I have noticed in my life, that denial is a very powerful thing. It can totally destroy you. People have a tendency, because of stress, traumatic experiences, to make up their own reality to cope. Then, when the real truth, that is brought to light, and (deep down they know it’s the truth), the one that has finally come out with the truth, is the liar. Watch yourself, face the truth and face it head on. Find out facts, friends and family, before calling the person that has spoken out, the liar. Especially if you really don’t truly know the person that is telling their story well, if you sit down and talk to them, some things, after you talk to them might make complete sense. Sometimes even though a friend or family member has been in your life all of your life, doesn’t mean you truly know them, or they don’t have deep hidden secrets. They can appear to be the saint of all time, but be the devil behind closed doors. How do I know? I lived it. The people that were supposed to be my protectors, put me in greatest harm. Watch your children, and who you entrust them to, please. Pay close attention, if they pay a little bit, too much attention to your child, just be observant. Be the protector they need, and pray that God watches over them.
As I reflect on the meaning of Easter, I am compelled to exclaim, it’s not rabbits, eggs, and candy!!! Pain, I have not know pain compared to my God, Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. My mother disowned me, (basically), Jesus’ people disowned him mocked him, ridiculed him and even worse. As he laid his body on the that cross willingly, I say willingly, he endured pain physically, but that just wasn’t it, he was disowned by His own father, because of the sin laid on him, by us, but he did this willingly. Depression, a black cloud, but a black cloud of hate and sin, laid on a perfect Savior, for me, for you. Do you ignore it and make light of it. I can’t, no one has done anything like that for me, but him, not even close. Reject it, and reject it till your last dying breath, and live in an eternity of what he felt that day on that cross, but He didn’t stay there, he rose to tell everyone what he had done, and show us that even though he felt all of that hate and sin, he still loved us with all of his heart, and he defeated death, hell and the grave!!! AAAAMEEENNN!! How is this in relation to my book or abuse, I haven’t endured anything compared to Jesus, so I know, with his help, I can defeat what man has done to me.
I was thinking today about my life and the people that used to be in it as apposed to the people in it now. After the people that used to be in my life, read my book, they judge, they don’t care about what happened to me or who caused it and take the side of the one that caused the problem. The people that stay in my life and are in my life now, stand up for me, love me and they are my protectors. I guess my point is, isn’t that what is wrong with the world today, we complain about what’s wrong with the kids in the world and the horrible things they do, shooting up schools, drugs, drinking, sex and disrespect, but have we ever thought of what they cause of that is? Complacency, some people know what’s going on in a child’s life and ignore it, do nothing at all. They stand by and wait to see if the child turns out ok, when maybe they could have had a hand in making that child’s life better. If you know of a wrong being done, and it’s going to have long term affects, do something, be their knight in shining armor. Then tell them of the one that can be a true Father to them, God. If only someone would have helped me, now, they want to judge me, or they want to pretend that I’m being judgmental by standing up for what is right. Wake up my friend, the truth is the truth, and if you would look at the past, you would see that you knew the truth all along.
I have been sick with bronchitis, so I have been still enough to think. I was woken up from the steroids I’m having to take, and I used that time to pray for my girls. I deepest desire for my kids, is not wealth, not fame, but mental stability and a close relationship with God and in turn, a close relationship with the spouses and family. I don’t want them to go through the things that I have, maybe God will spare them from traumatic experiences that I have had.
As more and more of my many different family members, (as I find out), read my book, about the truth in my life, the more I find that a lot of them want to blame me or think I wrote the book for vengeance. Why would I do that at the age of 44? No, my friend, I have come to realize to survive this trauma, means you survive to help others. No matter how ugly the truth is, it is still the truth, my truth, my life and my story. The ones that get upset, had no part in my healing, nor did they even have any part in my life. No phone calls, no visits, I didn’t exist until now. Now they show emotion about something they knew and know nothing about. Selfish, people are selfish, which is why I choose not to be like them. I gave my story to the public with the intention of letting those poor souls that have been through this, that someone knows and someone cares. I also had to tell them that there is a God that doesn’t cause bad things to happen to them, the people in this world that choose a life without him cause the pain. I will keep telling my story, and telling about the wonderful things God accomplishes in my life, because of following Him.
Two days ago, my maternal grandmother died . Because of my mother’s choice to stay with my stepfather, I can’t go to the funeral. I of course, after the last incident with my stepfather in July, obtained a protective order against my stepfather, which, means I also have to stay away from him. He will of course be with my mother, and that keeps me from saying goodbye to my grandmother. I wasn’t close to her, but it is very tragic that my mother chose the path she has, it keeps us all apart. I have been saddened and a little depressed these last couple of days because of the death and the separation I am experiencing. I have made a decision, that if any of my cousins or any other family members ask me why I wasn’t there, I will be telling them the truth. I will not be the bad guy any longer, my mother chose this, so she must lay in the bed she made for herself. It’s tragic, but the truth shall set me free.
I find it very confusing that churches want to tackle, drugs, alcohol, sex addiction, all in a general subject fashion, like AA, but they never want to tackle sexual abuse and the effects of sexual abuse. I have tried to speak in churches and have groups in churches, they don’t want to tackle it because of fear. If you want to help people, then you want to help every aspect of a person’s life, dirt and all. Sexual abuse is something that is done to a person, not a horrible detestable sin. A person cannot trust God if they haven’t been able to deal with the issue that caused the distrust. If you claim to want to help God in telling the world about Jesus, then you must be willing to dive into their issues. That’s the reason I believe in my heart that God wanted me to write this book, because no one seems to want me to tell my story, in person. I pray that changes, people need to know they’re not alone.