Depressing

Today I was shopping with my daughter at a store that my mother is a regular, I warned my daughter that I wasn’t going to be happy if I saw my mother there.  Well, low and behold my daughter looked at me and said go outside your mother is here.  I ran outside, not because I was scared or because I didn’t want to see her, but because it was uncomfortable to my daughter.  My daughter wants her grandmother but since the decision of myself not to see my mother it has been hard for my children.  They don’t want to be around my stepfather, (my abuser), but they miss my mother.  It’s so sad.  I don’t mourn for myself any more, I mourn for the confusion of my daughters.  After that my daughter didn’t hardly want to go and have fun anymore, my mother snubbed her also.  It’s so hard, I pray that some day my daughter’s understand the same thing I do, My mother is toxic to anyone or anything she touches.  It’s worse for them to have something to do with her than not.

Drawback

One of the drawbacks to surviving sexual child abuse, is that almost any argument or confrontation that, the particular person has seems like the end of the world.  For instance if I think someone is mad at me, I can’t take it, I try to fix it.  Sometimes people just don’t like you and it can’t be fixed.  Then sometimes when you get into a big argument with people you love, and things are said that hurt you, you feel like your going to be abandoned, in my case my mother didn’t protect me on several occasions even into adulthood, so when someone says, “I’m tired of this,” I think they’re saying they don’t love me or want me anymore.  I was also abandoned by my 2nd husband for another woman, I tend to feel like I’m not wanted anywhere.  Now even though that’s not true, (I Hope), they are still valid feelings.  I have to work through them and try to understand #1 that every confrontation, is not the end of the world, #2 that if someone does decide to leave you and you’ve tried every possible way to make it right, well, it’s on them.  If they leave you, you will survive.  I have God, and with Him on my side, how can I fail.

The Reason

I wrote this book, not for attention or personal gain, I wrote it #1: Because I felt implored by God to tell people my story  #2: Because people that have been through sexual abuse, often times, feel so alone, like they’re the only ones completely by themselves in this vast world.  My hope is that people will see that God helped me through it, then through that, accept Christ as their Savior.

Prayer

My Lord has gotten me through so many trials in my life, and yes, only Him.  When I got up this morning, I realized I don’t start my day talking to my best friend enough.  Before I stepped on that treadmill I asked Him to help me through my day, to help my husband and my kids.  I just want to be more like Him.  He is my life, my hope, my future.  Without Jesus, I am nothing.  He can help you through the abuse you’ve endured, no matter what type of abuse it is.  No you can’t see Him, but He’s there, and He’s there for you more than any person will ever be.  Give Him a chance, He gave you a chance to spend an eternity with Him.

Content

My husband and I went grocery shopping today, when I got home I started thinking after, watching a video of the 911 tragedy.  In 2001, I was in the police academy, watching the horrible tragedy happen on the TV, they pulled us out of our Criminal Justice class to watch the broadcast; people were jumping from the highest point of that huge building.  All of the recruits, including me, watched in silence, holding back tears.  My kids were at home in IL, without me, while I was in Richmond, KY.  I was about to be a police officer and all I could think about was the men and women dying to try to save the people that were trapped or burning alive inside that building, and how that could very well have been me trying to save those people.  My kids,  oh how I loved them, they told us that if terrorists were to hit our country again, they could very well target police and fire stations, etc….    It was a hard time, and for those little children, wives, families, that lost their family, it’s still hard.  I am blessed, I am content, I have my husband, my kids, and my stepchildren.  I have food, health, shelter, and a sovereign God that loves me no matter what.  Yes, my friend, I am content.