More from my journals

August 9th, 1991, on Friday

  Well, I cleaned my mom’s house, now I’m bored. Nothing to do & no money. I am so sick of being stuck at home. I wish I had friends that liked to do things with me. The more days and weeks that go by, the more i think about ending my life!  I wish I had the guts to, but I don’t! I hate this life, with no money! I hate always being at home.  I hate thinking, I wish I could go through my life and not have to think.  I want another baby so bad.  It’s just not fair, I wish women could have babies without men. I think about one all the time. Yet it does no good.  I miss having a small baby around.  All I wanted to do today was eat.  I’ve been so depressed, so many things I want and need but I can’t get.  The responsibilities are all on me.  I hate staying at home.  I could honestly hurt someone or something.  I just want to scream at the top of my lungs.  I hate everyone and everything.  I’m sick of being here!!!!!!~~~~~~At this time in my life, I still didn’t know what was wrong with me, what was causing my anger or depression, and neither did anyone else.  No one was even trying to understand or help, they thought I was selfish, lazy, and displeased with my life.  My mother obviously was still in my life also, I was cleaning her house for $15.00.  It’s so evident when I read these, what was wrong, now at 44 years old I know.  And it also shows me what God has truly done for me. In 1991 I was only 23.

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