Yesterday was a year since I have spoken to my mother, yes, it hurts, but it is definitely for the best. Here is more from my past journals: June 26th, 1995~~~Thanks to Jesus Christ my Savior, I am trying to recover and I am a little better, I tried to face my problem, my stepfather. I am angry at him for sexually abusing me, I showed him just how angry I have been to his face with my father-in-law, and my mother present. I cussed him and threw things at him. I told him that if he ever touched my girls I would kill him. Jesus is trying to release my anger.~~~~At that time that was only part of the anger that was in me. Little did I know there was much more to come.
June 9, 1995~~~~Jesus, please get me out of this place. I can’t make myself happy, and I can’t make my family happy either. We can’t do anything as a family. I can’t talk to anyone, because everyone is sick of my depression! I don’t blame them, but what can I do? I am pulled from every direction, I can’t relax or just sun bathe. I want my husband’s company, but he’s always tired, except at night when there’s something he wants. I just can’t make myself. My body won’t allow it. Suicide is the only answer. I love my family too much to put them through this any more. It’s just a matter of the right time, and the right place. I am not content at home, when I am out or anywhere else for that matter. I love them, my kids and my husband, or I think I love my husband.,but they’re suffering because of me. I don’t want them to hurt, but they are hurting now! Please forgive me for what I am going to do.~~~~~At that time I didn’t of course try anything, but I was so tormented, I felt I had no hope. No one understood my pain. It was like a black cloud that wouldn’t go away.
I love this beautiful girl of mine, and wish there was a doctor that could help her live a productive pain free life.
July 2nd 2013
Journal Entry 2
Today I feel as if the world itself is going to implode. I feel as I myself will implode. People are taking pieces of me. They are taking so many that there are none left for them to take. I am holding myself up on pure imagination. I am hanging onto the idea of a world where I exist as me the me without this disease.
I am hanging onto the idea of a life where the tears I might cry would only come from regular life problems. I love school. Because for a the few hours I am there and the few hours I am working on homework. Because with homework at home I can push. Push through the pain because I am distracted. The feeling of the pain consumes my every thought. In my…
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June 8, 1995~~Well, I’m back in the same old rutt. Depressed, wanting to die, but not courageous enough to do anything about it. I’ve asked God so much to kill me, I’ll probably get a horrible death on of these days. The girls are so beautiful and wonderful and I thank God for them every day. Why can’t I just realize that and be happy again. I must be a selfish old bag. I am afraid of dying of cancer. I feel something is deeply wrong with me. I don’t feel energetic like I used to be. It may just be depression, but I’m worried about my throat and my colon. God may just allow it to happen, because I’ve asked him to kill me so many times. This depression is such an awful disease, it’s almost as miserable as dying. I don’t want to leave my daughters, but sometimes I believe they would be happier without a sad miserable person around all of the time! Please Jesus help this Zoloft to help!!!!~~~~~~I was 27 years old, and still didn’t know what was wrong with me and why I was so depressed even though I was trying to get help from a psychiatrist. Only God knew what my need was, and that was to know what had happened to me, face it, and rely on Him to help me with it.