More old journal entries

June 8, 1995~~Well, I’m back in the same old rutt.  Depressed, wanting to die, but not courageous enough to do anything about it.  I’ve asked God so much to kill me, I’ll probably get a horrible death on of these days.  The girls are so beautiful and wonderful and I thank God for them every day.  Why can’t I just realize that and be happy again.  I must be a selfish old bag.  I am afraid of dying of cancer.  I feel something is deeply wrong with me.  I don’t feel energetic like I used to be.  It may just be depression, but I’m worried about my throat and my colon.  God may just allow it to happen, because I’ve asked him to kill me so many times.  This depression is such an awful disease, it’s almost as miserable as dying.  I don’t want to leave my daughters, but sometimes I believe they would be happier without a sad miserable person around all of the time!  Please Jesus help this Zoloft to help!!!!~~~~~~I was 27 years old, and still didn’t know what was wrong with me and why I was so depressed even though I was trying to get help from a psychiatrist.  Only God knew what my need was, and that was to know what had happened to me, face it, and rely on Him to help me with it.


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