Thanksgiving meal or thankful?

We gather together as family or friends to give thanks, but are we truly thankful.  I mean we have turkey, ham, cranberry sauce, pumpkin pie, etc…  Are we thankful for the things and people that we should be?  My husband, my kids, my son in laws, my stepchildren, that’s what I’m thankful for.  The food is just a lure to gather everyone together.  I am thankful that so far, my grand baby Isla, is healthy and on her way, mommy is having a rough time, therefore, I am thankful that my daughter is able to suffer through all that she has and is going to go through. 

We say we’re thankful, but I have to wonder, are we truly feeling what we are professing with our mouths?  I, myself, am a miracle to be here.  In 2004, I tried to end it all, and then, I can say I must not have been very thankful at all.  I am growing and learning how to be truly thankful.  There are people, and even family that I stay aggravated at, I won’t name names.  They aren’t thankful for anything at all.  Everything to them, is, what’s in it for me.  They think, “I’ll at least get a free meal, maybe, I can borrow some money.”  Nope, that is not a thankful heart, it’s selfishness.  I have lost a real father at the age of 18 months, 3 years later a mother that  disowned me because she loves a child molester.  I can truly say, I”m thankful for true family.

Be thankful that there is someone that wants you at there house to have a meal.  You have somewhere to go, there are many that don’t.  If you say you’re going to go have a meal with the family that love you ,go, some day, you’ll be regretful that you missed the chance to exchange stories and tease each other.  Think of others, not just how inconvenient it is to move from house to house.  When I was young I used to think like that, but, my dysfunctional family, (with a molesting stepfather in it, gave me a reason) to dread holidays.  What reason do you have for being unthankful?

I see my husband striving to have a true relationship with his kids, if only, someone had tried that hard with me, if only they would still  try.  I have family that want relationships on their terms, only.  That’s not love.  That’s ‘obligation and choices.  Love, respect, loyalty, that’s family.  Unconditional love.  Not on anyone’s terms, just love.

Be thankful, for anything and everything.  God is out there, no, he is here.  He shows me through the eyes of my children.

Happy Thanksgiving Friends!!!

PLEASE, NO!!!!!!

It’s crazy, just yesterday I was talking about how I hate to be around crowds. Today, I am faced with a challenge to which, I am already having panic attacks about.  I have to go to my stepdaughter’s basketball game.  My husband won’t be there ,he has to work.  I have to be around strangers, dear God, how I hate to be around strangers, especially that many.  They’re all looking at me, they all think I’m stupid or ugly.  Please, No!!!    No one understands, my husband doesn’t understand me.  My heart is pumping out of my chest.  He also wants to go to the church for Thanksgiving Dinner.  No one talks to us, they hate me, or at least they act like I don’t exist.  These are my thoughts.  The older I get, the less I want to be in social situations with more than 10 people at a time. 

I have no confidence, I feel fat, ugly, and unwanted.  I try not to.  I try to tell myself I am beautifully and wonderfully made. Ha, I hate it when people say that.  Before I go, it’s what do I wear, do people think I’m tacky?  Why, Why can’t I just stay home in my safe place.  I wish I were rich, I would order groceries to be brought to my house.  Thanksgiving dinner is even another issue within my mind.  I love seeing family, yet my bubble is invaded.  I get anxious, grouchy.  I hate it when I do that.  I have been through years and years of counseling and I’m on medication, yet this part does not change.  I put on a smile and fake it.  I am more comfortable around teenagers and young adults than people my age.  They don’t judge.  They accept me for who I am.  I’m different, I like tattoos, I like leggings and T-shirts.  I don’t like dresses or dress clothes, (which church people seem to frown upon).  Why do they do that? 

So many thoughts in my head today.  I feel awful that I’m more comfortable alone.  Please, no one, tell me to pray about it!  I hate that too.  Some things do not change.  Some hang ups are just there, and they are meant to be there for some sort of purpose.  I hope that some day, these blogs, my book, will help someone, and someone will reach out to me and let me know they help.  What about you?  Do you feel like this?

All I can say, is that I will suffer through today, with a smile on my face while inside saying, “PLEASE NO!”

Oh what joy

I don’t want to wake up some mornings, because, life sometimes feels like I’m on a continuous escalator.  I hop out of bed, get the dogs out of their kennel, walk down a long staircase, to a cold floor.  Rush to get my workout clothes on, give the dogs their vitamins.  Then I jump on the treadmill and run.  It’s a race after that, to get my workout done so that my husband can get his workout done before he has to go to work.  I get his lunch cooked, drink my protein shake, take my vitamins and meds, that’s after rushing through my shower.  Mundane it seems sometimes, in my mind I’m longing for a change.  While hubby is getting ready for work, I sit at my computer, drinking my coffee and see if there is any news about my book, or if there is anyone that has contacted me about my book.  The computer is my link to the outside world.  I don’t have many friends, my trust issues still have a brick wall that blocks me from reaching out to people. 

I’m not much for the social scene.  For me that would be, church, birthday parties or anything with a lot of people that i have to come in contact with.  I sometimes just want time to slow down.  I realize that I’m getting older, not old, just getting older.  This morning, I got on the computer and what did I see?  A video on my Facebook page, made by my oldest daughter to whom is carrying my first grandchild.  It made me feel so good.  Pictures of me and her, basically an appreciation of our relationship together.  Wow, what joy filled my heart!!!  I cried.  Just when you think that life if just so boring and you’re not making a difference, God gives you an attitude check.  Oh how I really do love my life, even though it’s the same thing over and over, my life is precious.  One that was saved by God in 2004.  I am here to enjoy FAMILY.  My whole family, and now, there will be a new addition to it.  I can’t wait to see little Isla.  Hold her, teach her what I’ve done and what I’ve seen.  I have seen a lot, and I will see more.  I have a good life!!!  I need to always remember that when I hop out of that bed onto the cold floor. 



     All I can say is, UGH!!!  Every emotion that I can feel is coming to surface today.  Depression, anxiety, anger, disappointment, etc….  I feel like I’m in my house too much, but I kind of want to get out.  I want to cry, but that makes me mad.  What to do?  I had my 6 mi run this morning, isn’t that supposed to help?  I’ve talked to my best friend, I have my hair fixed and a little make up on, but what am I going to do?  Shop? NO!!  Go talk to someone?  Don’t really feel like socializing.  I want to be normal, I’m not unhappy, I don’t think.  Everything in me just wants to lie down, give up, and go to sleep.  Dear God, help me.  I can’t tell family how I feel, they don’t understand.  They’ve heard it too much, and when I tell certain people they say, “You’re just being negative.”  I am thinking ahead, and getting overwhelmed by having to cook, Thanksgiving dinner, now, more people are coming.  No one understands my panic attacks when I have to cook a big meal.  I am an only child that was never taught to cook, because I made a mess.  I remember my mom screaming at me when I had to make a meal for a class in high school.  I didn’t do anything right.  As I type, I’m crying.  I am a mom and soon to be grandmother, and I can’t even handle cooking for my family.  If I had the money, I would have it catered.  Every fiber in my being is screaming, “I can’t do it!”  I’m a failure as a mom and house wife.  I only want to be able to handle simple things.  I feel like I’m going insane.  Baby shower, Thanksgiving, take the dogs to the vet, counseling appointment, go to the psychiatrist.  It all makes me panic, and it’s not getting better, it’s getting worse with age.  Excuse my language, but damn the sexual abuse!!!!  There wouldn’t be a lot of these feelings if I hadn’t went through that.  What am I going to do about this?  I guess I am going to have to get in that car and get out of this stupid house.  I am really trying to be positive.  I wish I could pick up the phone and talk to someone about my feelings, but no one, I mean, NO ONE in my family gets it.  I don’t wish these feelings on anyone, yet I want them to understand.  Right now, I don’t want to get out, I don’t want to answer the phone, I don’t want to think.  I should have a mom or a dad that I would be able to call and confide in.  My mom stripped me of that, it’s so unfair!!!!  I have to keep going.  Tomorrow is the weekend, my husband is going to want to run all over, doing this and doing that.  I hate feeling this way.  It’s like a black cloud hovering over my head.  Somehow I have to climb my way out of it.  If you’re out there and you’re feeling the same way, let’s get out together.  Pretend to be normal, laugh and cry, then do it all again tomorrow.

Winter Blues, Holiday, or Menopause?

     Good Enough__Love this song!!!!  What a crappy 10 days!!!  I think I’m at the beginning stages of menopause, but then again, it’s winter, which means Holidays!!!  Every Christmas except the last 3 years has involved my mother, the mother that chose my molester instead of her only child.  It’s getting a little easier, but I cannot ignore, I always get somewhat depressed.  I also know that I am in the middle of perimenopause.  Not a good combination.  I am so tired.  I don’t feel like getting out of the house, I want to sleep, and I sure as heck don’t feel like doing housework right now!  UGH!!!! 

I have a grandbaby on the way though, and that’s a positive.  Little Isla, will be born possibly in late January or February.  I can’t wait, although I am so nervous when I think of taking on this new role.  I know she is just going to be so beautiful. 

Right at this moment, all I want to do is take a nap, and it’s only 4:22 PM Central time.  I am waiting on a delivery, so, no nap as of yet.  You bet, I will get one in though, because I feel like I’m going to collapse!!!  Too all of my followers, hang in there, and if you have to, get up and get moving if you have the strength.  I’m with you though, I know how you feel!!!

You know what though, I have my family, my real family.  The family that has been loyal to the very end.  And that’s a blessing so today I will count my blessings.

Veteran’s Day 11/11/2014

My father was a Vietnam Veteran, I don’t remember him, but I know I love him and I’m proud of him.  What sacrifice he had to make!!!  He was drafted to war with no victory for anyone.  All of our veterans have made such sacrifice in battle, and then battling the demons when they get home, if they even make it home.  They suffer PTSD, anxiety disorder, depression, alcoholism, along with many other physical ailments.  All I can say is thank you.  My grandfather, to whom is no longer here, also served in World War II.  Although many do not speak of what they have seen, we all know they have suffered so many things.  I think highly of my daddy, although I don’t remember him, he is a part of me.  I look like him, people say that I act like him and I wish I knew him.  One day Daddy, we’ll meet again, and I am going to hug you and never let go. 

So digusted

I sit here after watching a YouTube video, on the coverage of a child named Lexi that was failed by Child services to protect her from her father.  What is wrong with our world?  How can you listen to a child disclose such atrocities, and not remove her from the situation.  That’s our system, they seem to be for the perpetrator, always.  We as victims have no rights as the perpetrators, walk the streets to violate again and again.  I implore you to read my book, Forgiveness Not Permission.  It is not just stranger danger, it’s fathers, mothers, uncles, aunts, teachers, etc……  Don’t turn a blind eye, it could happen to a child you love.  Watch this video, and let the tears and frustration begin.