Ugh!

     All I can say is, UGH!!!  Every emotion that I can feel is coming to surface today.  Depression, anxiety, anger, disappointment, etc….  I feel like I’m in my house too much, but I kind of want to get out.  I want to cry, but that makes me mad.  What to do?  I had my 6 mi run this morning, isn’t that supposed to help?  I’ve talked to my best friend, I have my hair fixed and a little make up on, but what am I going to do?  Shop? NO!!  Go talk to someone?  Don’t really feel like socializing.  I want to be normal, I’m not unhappy, I don’t think.  Everything in me just wants to lie down, give up, and go to sleep.  Dear God, help me.  I can’t tell family how I feel, they don’t understand.  They’ve heard it too much, and when I tell certain people they say, “You’re just being negative.”  I am thinking ahead, and getting overwhelmed by having to cook, Thanksgiving dinner, now, more people are coming.  No one understands my panic attacks when I have to cook a big meal.  I am an only child that was never taught to cook, because I made a mess.  I remember my mom screaming at me when I had to make a meal for a class in high school.  I didn’t do anything right.  As I type, I’m crying.  I am a mom and soon to be grandmother, and I can’t even handle cooking for my family.  If I had the money, I would have it catered.  Every fiber in my being is screaming, “I can’t do it!”  I’m a failure as a mom and house wife.  I only want to be able to handle simple things.  I feel like I’m going insane.  Baby shower, Thanksgiving, take the dogs to the vet, counseling appointment, go to the psychiatrist.  It all makes me panic, and it’s not getting better, it’s getting worse with age.  Excuse my language, but damn the sexual abuse!!!!  There wouldn’t be a lot of these feelings if I hadn’t went through that.  What am I going to do about this?  I guess I am going to have to get in that car and get out of this stupid house.  I am really trying to be positive.  I wish I could pick up the phone and talk to someone about my feelings, but no one, I mean, NO ONE in my family gets it.  I don’t wish these feelings on anyone, yet I want them to understand.  Right now, I don’t want to get out, I don’t want to answer the phone, I don’t want to think.  I should have a mom or a dad that I would be able to call and confide in.  My mom stripped me of that, it’s so unfair!!!!  I have to keep going.  Tomorrow is the weekend, my husband is going to want to run all over, doing this and doing that.  I hate feeling this way.  It’s like a black cloud hovering over my head.  Somehow I have to climb my way out of it.  If you’re out there and you’re feeling the same way, let’s get out together.  Pretend to be normal, laugh and cry, then do it all again tomorrow.

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4 thoughts on “Ugh!

  1. For the first time when my son asked if he could bring something I actually requested a few things to make it easier for me; mashed potatoes and rolls. And my sister-inlaw asked, I answered with a specific, pumpkin pie. That relieved a lot of work for me. Now I can focus on what I find to be the fun part, decorating a pretty table. Might I confess, I’ve turned to big platter like paper plates with a turkey on them. Also punch cups that also can be thrown in the trash.

    I heard some movie star mention on tv that they are having pot luck. And she certainly could have had it catered. So I will try to make it about relaxing together and having some fun and try try try try to keep the stress away. Good luck. Ask for help, delegate. I finally did!

  2. Cindy Delay says:

    I would l Iove too hear your story. I really know how you feel. I’m sorry your family doesn’t listen.

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