PLEASE, NO!!!!!!

It’s crazy, just yesterday I was talking about how I hate to be around crowds. Today, I am faced with a challenge to which, I am already having panic attacks about.  I have to go to my stepdaughter’s basketball game.  My husband won’t be there ,he has to work.  I have to be around strangers, dear God, how I hate to be around strangers, especially that many.  They’re all looking at me, they all think I’m stupid or ugly.  Please, No!!!    No one understands, my husband doesn’t understand me.  My heart is pumping out of my chest.  He also wants to go to the church for Thanksgiving Dinner.  No one talks to us, they hate me, or at least they act like I don’t exist.  These are my thoughts.  The older I get, the less I want to be in social situations with more than 10 people at a time. 

I have no confidence, I feel fat, ugly, and unwanted.  I try not to.  I try to tell myself I am beautifully and wonderfully made. Ha, I hate it when people say that.  Before I go, it’s what do I wear, do people think I’m tacky?  Why, Why can’t I just stay home in my safe place.  I wish I were rich, I would order groceries to be brought to my house.  Thanksgiving dinner is even another issue within my mind.  I love seeing family, yet my bubble is invaded.  I get anxious, grouchy.  I hate it when I do that.  I have been through years and years of counseling and I’m on medication, yet this part does not change.  I put on a smile and fake it.  I am more comfortable around teenagers and young adults than people my age.  They don’t judge.  They accept me for who I am.  I’m different, I like tattoos, I like leggings and T-shirts.  I don’t like dresses or dress clothes, (which church people seem to frown upon).  Why do they do that? 

So many thoughts in my head today.  I feel awful that I’m more comfortable alone.  Please, no one, tell me to pray about it!  I hate that too.  Some things do not change.  Some hang ups are just there, and they are meant to be there for some sort of purpose.  I hope that some day, these blogs, my book, will help someone, and someone will reach out to me and let me know they help.  What about you?  Do you feel like this?

All I can say, is that I will suffer through today, with a smile on my face while inside saying, “PLEASE NO!”


2 thoughts on “PLEASE, NO!!!!!!

  1. Leggin’s and T-shirts sound fine to me. For a holiday, add sparkles to them or something like a bright scarf? I admire those who dress in a way that suits their personality. Isn’t it what’s inside that counts?

    I love spending time puttering at home, and there is nothing wrong with that.

    I tend to have ideas of what others think, or used to a LOT more than I do now. The thing is though, that others just don’t think that much about me or anyone else. Everyone is wrapped up in their own stuff mostly.

    I do hope you have a happy, peaceful holiday…

  2. PS: later I realized adding a scarf or sparkles didn’t address a feeling I too share. Though I love my son and his family, I tend to feel I have to walk on egg shells with my daughter in law. So being close together for a day that I thought this year I’d have off because it was her family’s turn to have them, I am now on. So I am more stressed about it. Seems more a burden each year rather than a joy.
    And I hate admitting that because I ought to be grateful. So I’ve been working on gratitude and how to make the day peaceful, not just for everyone else, but for me too.
    I rather enjoy my little cocoon, maybe a bit too much…!

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