It’s crazy, just yesterday I was talking about how I hate to be around crowds. Today, I am faced with a challenge to which, I am already having panic attacks about. I have to go to my stepdaughter’s basketball game. My husband won’t be there ,he has to work. I have to be around strangers, dear God, how I hate to be around strangers, especially that many. They’re all looking at me, they all think I’m stupid or ugly. Please, No!!! No one understands, my husband doesn’t understand me. My heart is pumping out of my chest. He also wants to go to the church for Thanksgiving Dinner. No one talks to us, they hate me, or at least they act like I don’t exist. These are my thoughts. The older I get, the less I want to be in social situations with more than 10 people at a time.
I have no confidence, I feel fat, ugly, and unwanted. I try not to. I try to tell myself I am beautifully and wonderfully made. Ha, I hate it when people say that. Before I go, it’s what do I wear, do people think I’m tacky? Why, Why can’t I just stay home in my safe place. I wish I were rich, I would order groceries to be brought to my house. Thanksgiving dinner is even another issue within my mind. I love seeing family, yet my bubble is invaded. I get anxious, grouchy. I hate it when I do that. I have been through years and years of counseling and I’m on medication, yet this part does not change. I put on a smile and fake it. I am more comfortable around teenagers and young adults than people my age. They don’t judge. They accept me for who I am. I’m different, I like tattoos, I like leggings and T-shirts. I don’t like dresses or dress clothes, (which church people seem to frown upon). Why do they do that?
So many thoughts in my head today. I feel awful that I’m more comfortable alone. Please, no one, tell me to pray about it! I hate that too. Some things do not change. Some hang ups are just there, and they are meant to be there for some sort of purpose. I hope that some day, these blogs, my book, will help someone, and someone will reach out to me and let me know they help. What about you? Do you feel like this?
All I can say, is that I will suffer through today, with a smile on my face while inside saying, “PLEASE NO!”