Does anyone understand? Even those closest to you.

Since I endured the childhood sexual abuse, I have many quirks.  I don’t trust anyone, I feel constantly watched, I don’t sleep well, memories pop up out of no where, (whether it be the abuse or a bad experience with an ex), I feel the constant need for justice, (whether it be me or my kids), I hate someone making decisions without me or consulting me, I love being alone, I go through bouts of not wanting sex, I love to be in control, yet some people take that away from me, I don’t appreciate weak individuals, I appreciate privacy, I need affection, yet have trouble accepting it.  I am very observant of those around me and can usually spot a poser.  I believe in Christ as my savior, yet I know that there are things that  just happen and there isn’t always and explanation.  There are people I am loyal to, and feel the need to protect them.  I am intolerant of some people and their constant need for attention. I have thoughts of hurting someone, yet, they are only thoughts, and it is just people that hurt me.  Sometimes I feel religious organizations, (church or Christians), claim being changed for self gratification or to hide something, yet I love Christ.  There are times that I don’t care what anyone thinks.  I feel there are certain family members that do not understand me or my pain.  I hate it when someone does not respect me or they break their promises.  I don’t feel good about my personality or my appearance.  I feel unworthy regardless of what it is.  I feel like I am constantly judged, because people do not understand what I’ve been  through.  I feel robbed of my innocence and childhood.  There are times that I would love to shut off my phone and ignore the world, or that someone would want to do something for me.  I live with constant reminder that if my mother loved me enough, she would have turned my stepfather in.  I feel that I am never taken seriously, and that people think I’m crazy because I am mentally ill, because of the abuse. I feel people are waiting for me to screw up or fail.  I have thoughts of the abuse daily, yet cannot talk about it with anyone, because I feel they are tired of hearing it.  I wish my mother would leave my stepfather, and be the parent that I deserved to have.  I will be in counseling and on medication for the rest of my life.  There are so many other quirks that I can’t think of or cannot put into words right now. 

People just do not understand the effects of sexual abuse and those that are family, that have someone that this has happened to, they should do research and do everything possible to understand their loved one that has been abused.

Do you have any of these quirks?  If so, chime in.

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “Does anyone understand? Even those closest to you.

  1. Hi, I’m a ‘quirk-fest’ but am learning to love all of them!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s