I made a mistake!

My oldest daughter made the decision to start talking to my mother again, if, she could abide by my daughter’s rules and boundaries.  The day she spoke and met with my mother, I got this bright idea, that maybe things could change and I should text her.  Dumb idea.  This is what I said, “Mama I know that you talked to ***** today and I’ve been thinking.  I don’t think you understand that I do love you, I have been in so much pain through the years that I just pretended it wasn’t there, then, when the last incident happened, when I felt violated, It was just the last straw.  If we were to try again, I would want us to try to go to counseling together, with my counselor and work on it from there.  I am praying about this, just be patient and give me time to think.”  She told me to take all of the time I needed, then after that the other texts were contradictory.  The last text she said this, “Just pray, u might not need me,” Wanda

After that text my attitude was, Yep you’re right, if you’re gonna say something like that, then I don’t need you.  Yet again, she was not willing to fight for me.  I don’t want her around my grand daughter, but I have no choice in the matter.  My mother will be in constant competition to out do me.  She was and never will be, mother material, that is something I have face now, that will never change.  Not one person can say that i didn’t try.


7 thoughts on “I made a mistake!

  1. Wouldn’t she be surprised if you texted back, “I need you now. I have always needed you. Let’s talk.” And when you’re ready, and if you want to, you could also set up boundaries and ground rules.
    Even if she competes with you, you don’t have to join in. Some mother’s do that, probably because their daughter has qualities they don’t but wish they had yet know they never will. Rather than commend the daughter, they criticize. Yes, I speak from experience. Books can written about the mother/daughter relationship, but I won’t be writing them!

  2. menaburt07 says:

    She would definitely be surprised. I talked to my therapist she agrees with me, the reply was a cop out.

    • Sure it is, a total cop out. Some people aren’t brave enough to say what they mean or how they feel. Maybe that’s her best effort and in a round about way, a rather pathetic way, is saying she has not felt needed. Which sounds true.
      Sometimes both people step around the issues, testing. One person needs to move past it, step up, and only then do you get what you want. If you want a relationship you may have to be the bigger person. I’m not saying put up with abuse, but sometimes we wait too long to put our swords down; when the person is gone for good.
      I’d hate to see that happen to you if the only reason is fear of being hurt or rejected, or just taking that risk. I don’t know. It almost did with me. And if I’m way off base, only you know, not me. Some people are just that toxic that trying isn’t worth it. So maybe that is the case with you and her. If so, that’s a sad loss for you. What daughter doesn’t need or want a mother. It just can’t work sometimes.
      But you’re right, her text was a cop out. Not sure that would stop me though.

  3. menaburt07 says:

    I think you’re right, it’s a loss for me, since she is still married to my molester. It’s sad, but true.

  4. What a hurtful place for you to be in.
    I suppose many would wonder why I had such a close relationship with my own mother considering the dance we played; me rage filled, her criticizing. She wasn’t married to my abuser she gave birth to them.

  5. menaburt07 says:

    So sorry “grace to survive”, each of our journeys have different stories and plots, but all have the same hurtful result.

    • Yes. Thank you for your kind words.
      And I’m sorry if I stuck my two cents in where it didn’t belong. I sensed so much pain from reading your posts and wanted to relieve some of it. But surely didn’t mean to push you towards anyplace you don’t want to go or is wrong for you.
      I felt a great need for my mother all through my life. Perhaps it was only because I kept looking for her love which sadly never seem to come no matter how hard I tried, or was there but I couldn’t feel it because of my rage.
      Oddly I didn’t grow to a place where just being with me, and having myself was enough, not till after she died. I learned to make connections within myself that had been lacking. What mothering she had been able to give was all I had until I was able to begin learning to provide it for myself. I’m still learning.

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