As I look into the eyes of my granddaughter, I see a part of my daughter and myself. Through her, a part of me will live on. The part of me that is innocent and untainted by memories and pain. A new start and a new beginning.
When I look at her memories of my childhood sexual abuse disappear. All I see is her beautiful smile and hear her coos. To hold her and cuddle her melts away all the pain, stress and betrayal that I have ever felt.
She is innocent, looking at me as I hold her, knowing that I will protect her and she trusts me, I will not fail her. I wonder, before my mom and I went through the pain and tragedies of my sexual abuse, when my real father was alive, did my mother look at me the way I looked at my daughters and my granddaughter when I hold them?
When I wrote the book Forgiveness Not Permission under my pen name, Beth Kozine, I did exactly what I should have done in that point of my survival, in not seeing my mother. It’s been 3 years now. Right at this moment, I’m in a different place and stage of my recovery. I will never speak to or see my stepfather again, this I know, but there may be hope for me speaking to my mother. Short baby steps on that one. On my terms only. To be continued……..
My daughters have decided to involve my mother in their lives again. Which brings me to the matter at hand. I sent a text to my mother the other day explaining how I felt. That maybe I just needed time after the last thing that her husband had done to me. Long story short she said, “Pray about it, you may not need me.” Wow, a mother tells her child that she may not need her. I am in a state of decision. Can I talk to my mother and not think about her betrayal.? Can I talk to her and not feel continuously victimized? I’m not sure, but it is something I am deciding on. On one hand, I don’t want to be in her negativity, but then I think of her death, and how I would feel if I didn’t get to say goodbye. This is definitely not a decision to be made lightly. Yes, I am praying.
This Easter was a reminder considering I tried to commit suicide, on Easter in 2204.