As I look into the eyes of my granddaughter, I see a part of my daughter and myself.  Through her, a part of me will live on.  The part of me that is innocent and untainted by memories and pain.  A new start and a new beginning.

When I look at her memories of my childhood sexual abuse disappear.  All I see is her beautiful smile and hear her coos.  To hold her and cuddle her melts away all the pain, stress and betrayal that I have ever felt.

She is innocent, looking at me as I hold her, knowing that I will protect her and she trusts me, I will not fail her.  I wonder, before my mom and I went through the pain and tragedies of my sexual abuse, when my real father was alive, did my mother look at me the way I looked at my daughters and my granddaughter when I hold them?

When  I wrote the book Forgiveness Not Permission under my pen name, Beth Kozine, I did exactly what I should have done in that point of my survival, in not seeing my mother.  It’s been 3 years now.  Right at this moment, I’m in a different place and stage of my recovery.  I will never speak to or see my stepfather again, this I know, but there may be hope for me speaking to my mother.  Short baby steps on that one.  On my terms only.   To be continued……..

Should I

My daughters have decided to involve my mother in their lives again.  Which brings me to the matter at hand.  I sent a text to my mother the other day explaining how I felt.  That maybe I just needed time after the last thing that her husband had done to me.  Long story short she said, “Pray about it, you may not need me.”  Wow, a mother tells her child that she may not need her.  I am in a state of decision.  Can I talk to my mother and not think about her betrayal.? Can I talk to her and not feel continuously victimized?  I’m not sure, but it is something I am deciding on.  On one hand, I don’t want to be in her negativity, but then I think of her death, and how I would feel if I didn’t get to say goodbye.  This is definitely not a decision to be made lightly.  Yes, I am praying. 

This Easter was a reminder considering I tried to commit suicide, on Easter in 2204.