As I look into the eyes of my granddaughter, I see a part of my daughter and myself. Through her, a part of me will live on. The part of me that is innocent and untainted by memories and pain. A new start and a new beginning.
When I look at her memories of my childhood sexual abuse disappear. All I see is her beautiful smile and hear her coos. To hold her and cuddle her melts away all the pain, stress and betrayal that I have ever felt.
She is innocent, looking at me as I hold her, knowing that I will protect her and she trusts me, I will not fail her. I wonder, before my mom and I went through the pain and tragedies of my sexual abuse, when my real father was alive, did my mother look at me the way I looked at my daughters and my granddaughter when I hold them?
When I wrote the book Forgiveness Not Permission under my pen name, Beth Kozine, I did exactly what I should have done in that point of my survival, in not seeing my mother. It’s been 3 years now. Right at this moment, I’m in a different place and stage of my recovery. I will never speak to or see my stepfather again, this I know, but there may be hope for me speaking to my mother. Short baby steps on that one. On my terms only. To be continued……..