As I look into the eyes of my granddaughter, I see a part of my daughter and myself.  Through her, a part of me will live on.  The part of me that is innocent and untainted by memories and pain.  A new start and a new beginning.

When I look at her memories of my childhood sexual abuse disappear.  All I see is her beautiful smile and hear her coos.  To hold her and cuddle her melts away all the pain, stress and betrayal that I have ever felt.

She is innocent, looking at me as I hold her, knowing that I will protect her and she trusts me, I will not fail her.  I wonder, before my mom and I went through the pain and tragedies of my sexual abuse, when my real father was alive, did my mother look at me the way I looked at my daughters and my granddaughter when I hold them?

When  I wrote the book Forgiveness Not Permission under my pen name, Beth Kozine, I did exactly what I should have done in that point of my survival, in not seeing my mother.  It’s been 3 years now.  Right at this moment, I’m in a different place and stage of my recovery.  I will never speak to or see my stepfather again, this I know, but there may be hope for me speaking to my mother.  Short baby steps on that one.  On my terms only.   To be continued……..


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