Mother’s Love

So many times in life, if you are a true mother, you pray and wish the best for your children.  You give birth, change diapers, teach them, and so forth.  You try to teach them right from wrong, and also try to protect them.  As for me, I lie in wait for them to be taken from me, like I deserve to be punished.  Why would I think I need to be punished, as if I have lived some horrible life, that deserves pain.  I am human, and have had many heartaches, but the heartache of seeing my children in pain, whether it be health or other issues, sometimes is almost unbearable.  I sometimes blame myself, like God must be punishing me.  He doesn’t do that does he?  Helpless, I’m helpless when it comes to helping my oldest daughter and her health issues.  I hate it.  I wish it were me instead.  What can I do, but pray and hope a God, that honestly, sometimes I see as cruel, intervenes and heals her.  I get so confused and angry.  I don’t know what I believe sometimes.  I do believe God is real, but I also believe that man has made some grave mistakes in the interpretation of things.  I get so scared that I will lose the people I love, like I  lost my daddy when I was a baby.  Abandonment, I have experienced it any more than one way.  I put up barriers to keep from getting hurt or disappointed.  I never get excited about anything any more, I’m afraid to.  Oh dear Lord, how I want to scream at something or someone.  Punch someone, hurt someone.  Instead, I cry and stare into space.  I draw a blank.