Clarify

     I must clarify, my blog yesterday was NOT a cry for help.  It was a blog representing a point of view from a depressed individual or  sexual abuse victims feelings.  A point of view I used to have and many still have.  If  you have felt like the example in yesterday’s post, get help.  Talk to someone. 

I am a very happy moma, and Mi Mi.  I attribute it to God, my husband and my children.  I love life, love living, and live it to the fullest.  You should too.  Read Forgiveness Not Permission by Beth Kozine, available on Amazon.Fun with Isla

Observation and wisdom

     We experience pain of many different kinds in life as children and adults.  Some are physical and some are mental, some are both.  I mean, traumatic experiences that make us so stressed and messed up that our bodies reject a normal existence.  Our bodies can die from the inside out.  In other words, my mind sees what I’ve experienced in real time, but it wants to reject it, so, it fights against me.  My stomach hurts, I have headaches, my heart beats too fast and I feel like I will puke.  I can’t sleep, I either eat too much or I can’t eat at all.  I want to stare into space and everyone leave me alone, but, I can’t.  I have a house and family to take care of.  What should I do?  I AM NOT GOING TO END MY LIFE!!!!  I choose to live, but, please someone understand and help me. 

I cry.  I wait until I’m alone, and then, I fall to pieces.  There is only a choice few that understand what I feel and are sympathetic to me.  I cry.  Please someone help me.  Take away the anxiety that plagues my mind and heart.  Doctors, psychiatrists, counselors, medicine.  Why can’t I just be normal?  Wait, what is normal?  I have never seen normal, I don’t think there is a normal life.  I am sympathetic to others, yet, I am so angry.  I’m hurt, defiled, and tainted.  I grew up too fast.  No one understands that or me.  I think I will just stare into space and pretend no one is around me, I don’t exist.

Worry doesn’t fix anything

     I used to worry on a daily basis, for example, I feel like I will die at an early age, or something is going to take my happiness away.  Every ache and pain I had was the end of the world, then, I started counseling and depression meds, I found out the root of my negativity.  Part the sexual abuse, part genetics.  My father, from what I understand had emotional issues, I mean my biological father.  A person can hear so many horror stories, that if you already have emotional problems, anxiety, and depression, every little thing you go through feels like the end of the world.  After years of meds and counseling, plus my age, I am finally learning to take life as it comes, one day at a time.  I mean, really, what can you do about sicknesses, or someone’s bad decisions?  Nothing, you pray, put it in God’s hands and count every good day, blessing and calm hour.  I have learned this the hard way.  In my 20’s and early 30’s, I borrowed trouble, waiting for the next shoe to drop.  That’s no way to live.  I can’t and won’t do it any more.  It’s time to live, enjoy life and enjoy my kids and my grand baby. 

Let it go, stop worrying, relax and take a day at a time.  you’ll feel so much better.

Emotions

Lately,  I have had so many mixed emotions.  Happiness, (my Granddaughter), worry and anxiety (my daughters), Exhaustion (mental), emotional (getting older), confusion (how I believe). 

My heart is about to explode with love for my granddaughter, it’s crazy, she is so perfect.  She does have an attitude, but at 7 mo. that’s cute in Mi Mi’s eyes, LOL.   Secondly, I wish I could take away the problems that my daughters encounter.  It’s so difficult to watch your children suffer in any way. 

I understand that I’m not going to be around forever, now.

I get sad, when I think of my mistakes, I am happy at the things I actually did right, and I get mad for justice that should have been served.

Last but not least, I know who my Lord and Savior is, but do these bible scholars, decons, church members, and so called Christians know?

FOOD FOR THOUGHT!