Observation and wisdom

     We experience pain of many different kinds in life as children and adults.  Some are physical and some are mental, some are both.  I mean, traumatic experiences that make us so stressed and messed up that our bodies reject a normal existence.  Our bodies can die from the inside out.  In other words, my mind sees what I’ve experienced in real time, but it wants to reject it, so, it fights against me.  My stomach hurts, I have headaches, my heart beats too fast and I feel like I will puke.  I can’t sleep, I either eat too much or I can’t eat at all.  I want to stare into space and everyone leave me alone, but, I can’t.  I have a house and family to take care of.  What should I do?  I AM NOT GOING TO END MY LIFE!!!!  I choose to live, but, please someone understand and help me. 

I cry.  I wait until I’m alone, and then, I fall to pieces.  There is only a choice few that understand what I feel and are sympathetic to me.  I cry.  Please someone help me.  Take away the anxiety that plagues my mind and heart.  Doctors, psychiatrists, counselors, medicine.  Why can’t I just be normal?  Wait, what is normal?  I have never seen normal, I don’t think there is a normal life.  I am sympathetic to others, yet, I am so angry.  I’m hurt, defiled, and tainted.  I grew up too fast.  No one understands that or me.  I think I will just stare into space and pretend no one is around me, I don’t exist.

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2 thoughts on “Observation and wisdom

  1. It’s hard not to answer a plea for help, yet I have no answers as I sometimes ask the same questions.
    I tell myself I am what I am. What was done was done. I cannot be like my friends who go out into the world and function happily, easily, breezily. Yet I am equally as valuable in my own quiet way with my peaceful, quiet occupations.
    I stare sometimes too, though less than I once did. Being present is less scary so I show up most of the time. But when I begin to zone out, or stare, it means I need rest or a time out from my own thoughts..

  2. Emma says:

    I can so relate to this post. You are definitely not alone!

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