Observation and wisdom

     We experience pain of many different kinds in life as children and adults.  Some are physical and some are mental, some are both.  I mean, traumatic experiences that make us so stressed and messed up that our bodies reject a normal existence.  Our bodies can die from the inside out.  In other words, my mind sees what I’ve experienced in real time, but it wants to reject it, so, it fights against me.  My stomach hurts, I have headaches, my heart beats too fast and I feel like I will puke.  I can’t sleep, I either eat too much or I can’t eat at all.  I want to stare into space and everyone leave me alone, but, I can’t.  I have a house and family to take care of.  What should I do?  I AM NOT GOING TO END MY LIFE!!!!  I choose to live, but, please someone understand and help me. 

I cry.  I wait until I’m alone, and then, I fall to pieces.  There is only a choice few that understand what I feel and are sympathetic to me.  I cry.  Please someone help me.  Take away the anxiety that plagues my mind and heart.  Doctors, psychiatrists, counselors, medicine.  Why can’t I just be normal?  Wait, what is normal?  I have never seen normal, I don’t think there is a normal life.  I am sympathetic to others, yet, I am so angry.  I’m hurt, defiled, and tainted.  I grew up too fast.  No one understands that or me.  I think I will just stare into space and pretend no one is around me, I don’t exist.

Life’s bumps

My husband had a small vacation and we went on a minor trip to TN.  It was a lot of fun, when we pulled into the driveway, I received a call from my son in law, my daughter was not doing well and could I come and pick up my granddaughter.  NO PROBLEM THERE AT ALL.  I was so worried about my daughter though, I wanted to cry.  Why does she have to go through so many health issues?  It’s not fair, we have had so much heartache in such a small amount of time, it’s time for all of us to be happy.  Please God, why are you testing us so much? Lord, just give it to me, let me take on this health issue for her.  I would rather go through the pain than see my kids go through it.  I question why, I get angry at God.  Why?  Because sometimes I feel like we are lab rats.  God just stop this, let some child molester have these issues.  Mean or not, I think they deserve to suffer, not me and my family.  Judge me, and my thoughts I don’t care any more.  I am a mother, I am a protector, I am a mama bear, I will protect, serve and love my husband and children until the day I die.  If you don’t understand that, then don’t let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya!!!!

So digusted

I sit here after watching a YouTube video, on the coverage of a child named Lexi that was failed by Child services to protect her from her father.  What is wrong with our world?  How can you listen to a child disclose such atrocities, and not remove her from the situation.  That’s our system, they seem to be for the perpetrator, always.  We as victims have no rights as the perpetrators, walk the streets to violate again and again.  I implore you to read my book, Forgiveness Not Permission.  It is not just stranger danger, it’s fathers, mothers, uncles, aunts, teachers, etc……  Don’t turn a blind eye, it could happen to a child you love.  Watch this video, and let the tears and frustration begin.     http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f21F79cR7ug&sns=fb