It’s Just Not For Me

In the area I live in one of the first questions you might be asked is, where do you go to church? Now days my answer is nowhere. I’ve been to many churches in my years of life and have discovered that going to church now causes me undue anxiety and problems. Sure, I learned some things about the Bible, good things mostly, but I also learned how to be judge mental of those that weren’t like me, angry at the things in the world to the point of being almost radical, and I learned that it contains a lot of people that stay in their own little groups. I’m not saying don’t go, I’m not saying all churches are bad, but I am saying if you’re relying on that to have a relationship with God, you are truly missing the boat.
If you truly want to know if God exists scientifically you’ll never figure that one out. But if you want to first-hand account of what he can do, you talk to someone like me that’s been to hell and back and still believes he exists. Because I will tell you right now my God exists, no, the only God exists. Jesus, you know, his father is also my father.if you want to know about it then you talk to someone that has been through drug addiction, abuse of any kind, the loss of children, etc.

Chances are if you don’t believe in God, it’s because you never really trusted in him ever to begin with. If you’re waiting for somebody to zap you into shape, or to magically get rid of your problems, well that’s not God. If you truly get on your knees and humble yourself and don’t  ask for the mountains to be moved in front of your face, you’ll get an answer. It may not be the one that you want, but, remember you asked God for his advice because evidently you don’t have the answers, right?

My church consists of my God first and foremost, and my family, and one close friend.  I can worship with them, pray with them, and feel more safe with them then I ever feel within the walls of the so-called church. I’m telling you here and now don’t blame God for the problems you see within a church, it’s the people in that church causing the problems the same as you get out in the regular world with people walking on the sidewalk. If you need that kind of established worship then have at it, but I’m telling you it sure as hell ain’t for me!

Does It Ever Get Any Easier?

     Summertime should be a time of fun and laughter.  Not usually for me or my family.  It gets so hot in ILLINOIS, that my husband to whom works outside all day on barges, gets absolutely exhausted and I worry about him.  I have PTSD, from sexual abuse, and summertime is worse for flashbacks, because that’s when a lot of it happened.  My oldest daughter has health issues, and it seems that when she should be enjoying the sun, she has to go through another surgery.  My youngest daughter, well, she’s young and trying to survive in our horrible economy.  

In the past, I wouldn’t be able to function hardly at all.  I wouldn’t get up early and exercise, I would mope around unable to smile.  Since, it doesn’t get any easier, I’ve learned to cope.  Not pretend troubles don’t happen, just realize that life wasn’t intended to be easy, it was intended for you to look at the glass half full.  I now look at my husband, my daughters and my granddaughter, and tell myself to keep fighting.  There is light at the end of the tunnel.  Life is what you make of it.  Sure, I get aggravated and angry at times, cry, yell at the idiot driver next to me.  That doesn’t mean my life sucks, it means that life is life.  You go through the shit, and keep trudging on. 

Another thing, since I am almost 48 years old in September, I will no longer try to please everyone, and change myself to do it.  I am me, take me or leave me.  I will speak my mind.  Hopefully I remember to do it with respect, but I am not going to take any crap off of anyone.  I was a door mat for a long time, not any more.  

    Be true to you.  Be respectful and loving.  Help when your able.  Don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t, and don’t let anyone change you or your personality.  God made you unique, and He didn’t mean for anyone to change you!!!!

I LIVE MY PAST

When I say I live my past, I don’t mean, “I live IN my past,” I mean, I LIVE MY PAST!  

It happened within the last two weeks.  An argument, upset feelings, argument gets bigger.  Before you know it, your perception is off and you have tunnel vision.  Something was said, or done, that took me straight back to a past relationship, a bad past relationship.  Not only were things we were saying and doing like my past, but I was reliving my past.  My guard came up, I put on my boxing gloves and went to war. When that happened, things that were said to me, were ten times worse than they should have been, because I just knew that I was right back in 2004, when my world was falling apart, therefore, in the present, my world was falling apart. 

Why do we do that to ourselves and others around us?  If they have lived that past with us, well, we just take them with us.  Then when you try to go back and explain everything when things have calmed down, you look like you’re making light of what happened.  I am much better than I was even a couple of years ago, but there are times I take a few steps backwards and then I have to try to keep myself from beating myself up for making a mistake.

 

I can thrive in life, excel, be so happy, if I will stop the cycle of living things over and over again.  I do it to myself.  I also think that I can handle life on my own, with no one or nothing to rely on.  I can’t.  I have to, for myself, lean on my Father.  My Father, never lets me down.  When I start listening and talking to Him, my life falls into place.  When I don’t, everything goes to Hell!  Believe what you want, live a miserable life blaming others and running in circles.  Not me.  I won’t do it any more.  I like to love, laugh, hug and joke.  I can’t do that if I’m miserable and always looking for the next shoe to drop.  If you are looking for it, it will happen, that shoe will drop straight on top of your head.

 

Take a deep breath in the middle of bad situations, and reevaluate what’s really going on.  And for goodness sake, keep others out of it until you absolutely know for sure that your life is going down that drain.  

Been a long time

It has been a long time since I have blogged, sorry for being MIA.  It has been a crazy summer, fall and now winter.  My daughter was so sick for a while, but thank the Lord above, she is doing better.  My youngest hasn’t had it easy either with her schooling and work load.  Life goes on, and even through the hardest times, there is always a ray of sunshine.

This Christmas was extra special because of my granddaughter, Isla.  It was relaxing and fun for all of us.  She was so cute opening her first presents.  She liked the tissue paper more than the toys.  

I am only able to enjoy Christmases, and any holiday because of counseling and medicine.  I used to stress so much, that I was irritable, mean, hateful, and also sad.  Now, I am relaxed, excited, and content.  What I am saying is, don’t think that you can recover from any childhood traumas on your own.  Go to counseling, go to a psychiatrist.  Don’t live your life in misery.  It’s not worth living a miserable life, because you have too much pride to let someone else help.  Trust me, you will cherish the happy times you will have once you start leaving your problems with someone else, and it needs to be a neutral professional.  That along with my faith in Jesus Christ has helped me in so many ways, that my attitude compared to, 1990 to the present, looks like a miracle.

Clarify

     I must clarify, my blog yesterday was NOT a cry for help.  It was a blog representing a point of view from a depressed individual or  sexual abuse victims feelings.  A point of view I used to have and many still have.  If  you have felt like the example in yesterday’s post, get help.  Talk to someone. 

I am a very happy moma, and Mi Mi.  I attribute it to God, my husband and my children.  I love life, love living, and live it to the fullest.  You should too.  Read Forgiveness Not Permission by Beth Kozine, available on Amazon.Fun with Isla

Observation and wisdom

     We experience pain of many different kinds in life as children and adults.  Some are physical and some are mental, some are both.  I mean, traumatic experiences that make us so stressed and messed up that our bodies reject a normal existence.  Our bodies can die from the inside out.  In other words, my mind sees what I’ve experienced in real time, but it wants to reject it, so, it fights against me.  My stomach hurts, I have headaches, my heart beats too fast and I feel like I will puke.  I can’t sleep, I either eat too much or I can’t eat at all.  I want to stare into space and everyone leave me alone, but, I can’t.  I have a house and family to take care of.  What should I do?  I AM NOT GOING TO END MY LIFE!!!!  I choose to live, but, please someone understand and help me. 

I cry.  I wait until I’m alone, and then, I fall to pieces.  There is only a choice few that understand what I feel and are sympathetic to me.  I cry.  Please someone help me.  Take away the anxiety that plagues my mind and heart.  Doctors, psychiatrists, counselors, medicine.  Why can’t I just be normal?  Wait, what is normal?  I have never seen normal, I don’t think there is a normal life.  I am sympathetic to others, yet, I am so angry.  I’m hurt, defiled, and tainted.  I grew up too fast.  No one understands that or me.  I think I will just stare into space and pretend no one is around me, I don’t exist.

Worry doesn’t fix anything

     I used to worry on a daily basis, for example, I feel like I will die at an early age, or something is going to take my happiness away.  Every ache and pain I had was the end of the world, then, I started counseling and depression meds, I found out the root of my negativity.  Part the sexual abuse, part genetics.  My father, from what I understand had emotional issues, I mean my biological father.  A person can hear so many horror stories, that if you already have emotional problems, anxiety, and depression, every little thing you go through feels like the end of the world.  After years of meds and counseling, plus my age, I am finally learning to take life as it comes, one day at a time.  I mean, really, what can you do about sicknesses, or someone’s bad decisions?  Nothing, you pray, put it in God’s hands and count every good day, blessing and calm hour.  I have learned this the hard way.  In my 20’s and early 30’s, I borrowed trouble, waiting for the next shoe to drop.  That’s no way to live.  I can’t and won’t do it any more.  It’s time to live, enjoy life and enjoy my kids and my grand baby. 

Let it go, stop worrying, relax and take a day at a time.  you’ll feel so much better.