Life is Tricky

    I haven’t written in a while, but, my life has been crazy.  My body is fighting against me as, I have started the beginnings of menopause, also, in October my husband was finally able to have his youngest daughter live with us, after 10 years of living with her grandmother, (my husband’s mom).  The truth about what’s behind that, is a very long, frustrating story.  Any way, 10 years later, we have my husband’s 12 year old daughter living with us.  It’s a very happy occasion, don’t get me wrong yet,  you have to understand, my biological daughters are grown, married and out of the house, and we have a 2 year old granddaughter.  So, I have lived a long time just taking care of myself and my husband, this is a shock to my 48 year old mind and body.  My energy level is not what is used to be, and his daughter is missing some very simple basic rules of life, all in all, she is a very sweet child though.

As far as menopause goes, I am irritable, tired, and never know when I’m going to have my monthly visitor.  I have night sweats, no libido and I get very depressed at times.  This is on top of my diagnosed severe anxiety, PTSD, bipolar disorder, etc… So I guess you can see why, I haven’t had time to write until now.  I started selling Younique products, which is something I love, but, I haven’t had a lot of time to put into it.  Here is the link if you would like to purchase makeup, or skincare products.  Your face will love you if you do, http://melinasyounique.com/

Tomorrow, is my granddaughter’s 2nd birthday.  She has already had her birthday party, but I am going to try to make her day as special as possible.  I cannot believe how the time has just flown by.  Any who, I wanted to write before I fall asleep in my favorite chair. LOL  I will try to post more often.  Hope 2017 has been treating you well.

 

 

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It’s Just Not For Me

In the area I live in one of the first questions you might be asked is, where do you go to church? Now days my answer is nowhere. I’ve been to many churches in my years of life and have discovered that going to church now causes me undue anxiety and problems. Sure, I learned some things about the Bible, good things mostly, but I also learned how to be judge mental of those that weren’t like me, angry at the things in the world to the point of being almost radical, and I learned that it contains a lot of people that stay in their own little groups. I’m not saying don’t go, I’m not saying all churches are bad, but I am saying if you’re relying on that to have a relationship with God, you are truly missing the boat.
If you truly want to know if God exists scientifically you’ll never figure that one out. But if you want to first-hand account of what he can do, you talk to someone like me that’s been to hell and back and still believes he exists. Because I will tell you right now my God exists, no, the only God exists. Jesus, you know, his father is also my father.if you want to know about it then you talk to someone that has been through drug addiction, abuse of any kind, the loss of children, etc.

Chances are if you don’t believe in God, it’s because you never really trusted in him ever to begin with. If you’re waiting for somebody to zap you into shape, or to magically get rid of your problems, well that’s not God. If you truly get on your knees and humble yourself and don’t  ask for the mountains to be moved in front of your face, you’ll get an answer. It may not be the one that you want, but, remember you asked God for his advice because evidently you don’t have the answers, right?

My church consists of my God first and foremost, and my family, and one close friend.  I can worship with them, pray with them, and feel more safe with them then I ever feel within the walls of the so-called church. I’m telling you here and now don’t blame God for the problems you see within a church, it’s the people in that church causing the problems the same as you get out in the regular world with people walking on the sidewalk. If you need that kind of established worship then have at it, but I’m telling you it sure as hell ain’t for me!

Self Evaluation

 In so many areas of my life, I have done things only to please someone else and have left myself feeling so empty inside.  Either the person I was trying to please, eventually left or betrayed me, or they stopped aprrecitating my efforts all together.  Years of living and gaining wisdom, has led me to the thoughts I have today, if you don’t like me for me, then to hell with you.  Plain and simple.  It’s unreal that it took me 47 years to figure that out.  I owe no one anything, but my God!!!  I will be curteous, and try to put others feelings at a very high level, but I will never be a door mat again.  I need to love myself, if someone close to me doesn’t understand that then they are the ones with the issue.  I HAVE to value myself to live a life worth living.  

    How many times in your own life, have you laid awake at night wondering what someone else thought of you?  Whether it be, something you said, the way you looked, or something another person said to you.  I can’t do it anymore!  It was wearing me out and driving me insane.  Don’t wear this, they’ll look down on you.  Oh crap, better not post that on Facebook, someone will think I’m horrible, or don’t buy that bottle of wine there, too many will see me and think I’m a drunk.  No, not happening Ever again.  I know, what God tells me, you don’t.  If you look down on me for something, well, that’s your own self loathing not mine.  With me; what you see is what you get.  I say what I mean, and mean what I say.  I am self maintained for the most part and I don’t need someone else’s approval.  

    I am a grown  ass woman that has feelings and needs.  And I don’t need fake, judgemental people around me at all.  I won’t have anyone around me like that.  Life is too short to look for approval from people that wouldn’t give a plug nickle if I fell off of the face of the earth right now.  So, if you don’t like what I have blogged, or posted, Please unfollow me and forget you ever saw my name, because I probably don’t even know yours.

Does It Ever Get Any Easier?

     Summertime should be a time of fun and laughter.  Not usually for me or my family.  It gets so hot in ILLINOIS, that my husband to whom works outside all day on barges, gets absolutely exhausted and I worry about him.  I have PTSD, from sexual abuse, and summertime is worse for flashbacks, because that’s when a lot of it happened.  My oldest daughter has health issues, and it seems that when she should be enjoying the sun, she has to go through another surgery.  My youngest daughter, well, she’s young and trying to survive in our horrible economy.  

In the past, I wouldn’t be able to function hardly at all.  I wouldn’t get up early and exercise, I would mope around unable to smile.  Since, it doesn’t get any easier, I’ve learned to cope.  Not pretend troubles don’t happen, just realize that life wasn’t intended to be easy, it was intended for you to look at the glass half full.  I now look at my husband, my daughters and my granddaughter, and tell myself to keep fighting.  There is light at the end of the tunnel.  Life is what you make of it.  Sure, I get aggravated and angry at times, cry, yell at the idiot driver next to me.  That doesn’t mean my life sucks, it means that life is life.  You go through the shit, and keep trudging on. 

Another thing, since I am almost 48 years old in September, I will no longer try to please everyone, and change myself to do it.  I am me, take me or leave me.  I will speak my mind.  Hopefully I remember to do it with respect, but I am not going to take any crap off of anyone.  I was a door mat for a long time, not any more.  

    Be true to you.  Be respectful and loving.  Help when your able.  Don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t, and don’t let anyone change you or your personality.  God made you unique, and He didn’t mean for anyone to change you!!!!

Do you ever why it took you so long to get where you’re at?

Do you ever wonder why it took you so long to get where you’re at?  I mean, from the time I was in grade school on up, I knew I only wanted to be a wife and mother, but because I let other people and their opinions influence me.  I made too many crazy stops, before I got to my current destination as wife, mom and now, Mi Mi.

I never wanted a “career”, but I had everyone in my ear telling me that I needed to go to college, I needed to make money, blah, blah, blah, blah….. No I didn’t!!  I was always the type that loved to be around family and I loved being creative.  I loved to write, sing and draw.  If everyone had left me alone and let me follow my dreams, it might not have taken so long for me to finally be happy.  Yes, I have a mental illness, oh dang, I SAID IT!!! I’m mentally ill.  How dare you if you just thought of the word crazy!  It doesn’t mean that I’m crazy.  It just means my ailment isn’t physical.  I was born with parts of my illness, but others developed from traumas that happened in my life.  Everyone would be happier if they would just admit it and get help, instead of blaming everyone else.  Any way, as I was saying, I knew what I wanted.  I should’ve told everyone else to take a flying leap, but I didn’t, so, it took a long time and a lot of heartache because I let other people run my life.

If your kids aren’t killing themselves, they’re respectful, appreciative, then leave them alone to follow their dreams instead of telling them to follow YOUR dreams.  A lot of people that are going to college or have already been, have spent a lot of money on an education, yet they still don’t have a job or they’re unhappy.  College doesn’t fix unhappiness.

Sometimes I feel like congratulating parents on making their kids feel miserable and inadequate.

Just because you didn’t do what you think you should’ve when you had the chance, now you project your unhappiness onto your own children.  Tell your kids that you love them and want to support them in anything they would like to accomplish.  Even if you don’t have the money, be their moral support.  Then maybe it won’t take 30+ years to realize they’re finally doing what they always wanted to do, and they will have a great relationship with you by their side!

 

 

Make It Beautiful!

    As I said in one of my other posts, the start of 2016 was, well, a nightmare.  I won’t give you any details, other than to say, I thought my whole life was going to hell in a hand basket.

Now, it’s the end of January and I feel like I’m walking on clouds.  I feel appreciated, loved, protected and because of a skin care product I use, I finally feel pretty.

It takes some sanding down to bare metal sometimes to find the smooth.  The expression, “Diamond in the Rough,” fits my life to a T.

I am trying to learn to be positive instead of a DEBBIE DOWNER.   I’m trying not to always wait for the sky to fall.  Just because life is good right now, doesn’t mean it is going to end.  I love my family, each and everyone of them.  My husband is at work and I miss him.  After eight years of marriage, we are cuddling and listening to each other.  It’s a shame we as humans have to go through rough periods in our lives to appreciate how wonderful our lives really are.

Please, take the advice of a 48 year old, stop being so negative.  It’s stressful and uncalled for.  Life IS what you make of it.  So, make it beautiful.

Perfect Love Casts Out All Fear

     There is no fear in love.  But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment.  The one who fears is not made perfect in love.  1 John 4:18

 

When you love someone, you protect them, stand up for them, they can count on you no matter what mistakes they make.  Too many people throw that word, Love, around lightly, then when a big problem arises, they’re ready to throw in the towel.

  In the past, I was guilty of this.  I don’t want to throw those words around any more.  I don’t want to tell anyone I love them, unless, I’m willing to back those very important three words up.

This goes for spouses, family, friends and Christians.  Self professed Christians sometimes say those words way too much.  If you gossip about someone, you don’t love them.  If you give someone an ultimatum, you don’t love them.  How could you?  If you are ready to throw a relationship away at the first sign of trouble, well, that causes fear.  That’s not perfect love.  

 

So many times in the past, people have told me they love me, but when I did something they didn’t agree with, or didn’t meet up to their standards, they abandoned me.  Left me high and dry.  With nothing, but hurt feelings and distrust.  Please don’t do that to someone.  Love them with your whole heart.  Stand by them through thick and thin.  You never know when it could be the last day, hour or minute that you ever see them again.

I say if you if you use the words, “I love you,” PROVE IT!!