Been a long time

It has been a long time since I have blogged, sorry for being MIA.  It has been a crazy summer, fall and now winter.  My daughter was so sick for a while, but thank the Lord above, she is doing better.  My youngest hasn’t had it easy either with her schooling and work load.  Life goes on, and even through the hardest times, there is always a ray of sunshine.

This Christmas was extra special because of my granddaughter, Isla.  It was relaxing and fun for all of us.  She was so cute opening her first presents.  She liked the tissue paper more than the toys.  

I am only able to enjoy Christmases, and any holiday because of counseling and medicine.  I used to stress so much, that I was irritable, mean, hateful, and also sad.  Now, I am relaxed, excited, and content.  What I am saying is, don’t think that you can recover from any childhood traumas on your own.  Go to counseling, go to a psychiatrist.  Don’t live your life in misery.  It’s not worth living a miserable life, because you have too much pride to let someone else help.  Trust me, you will cherish the happy times you will have once you start leaving your problems with someone else, and it needs to be a neutral professional.  That along with my faith in Jesus Christ has helped me in so many ways, that my attitude compared to, 1990 to the present, looks like a miracle.

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Clarify

     I must clarify, my blog yesterday was NOT a cry for help.  It was a blog representing a point of view from a depressed individual or  sexual abuse victims feelings.  A point of view I used to have and many still have.  If  you have felt like the example in yesterday’s post, get help.  Talk to someone. 

I am a very happy moma, and Mi Mi.  I attribute it to God, my husband and my children.  I love life, love living, and live it to the fullest.  You should too.  Read Forgiveness Not Permission by Beth Kozine, available on Amazon.Fun with Isla

Worry doesn’t fix anything

     I used to worry on a daily basis, for example, I feel like I will die at an early age, or something is going to take my happiness away.  Every ache and pain I had was the end of the world, then, I started counseling and depression meds, I found out the root of my negativity.  Part the sexual abuse, part genetics.  My father, from what I understand had emotional issues, I mean my biological father.  A person can hear so many horror stories, that if you already have emotional problems, anxiety, and depression, every little thing you go through feels like the end of the world.  After years of meds and counseling, plus my age, I am finally learning to take life as it comes, one day at a time.  I mean, really, what can you do about sicknesses, or someone’s bad decisions?  Nothing, you pray, put it in God’s hands and count every good day, blessing and calm hour.  I have learned this the hard way.  In my 20’s and early 30’s, I borrowed trouble, waiting for the next shoe to drop.  That’s no way to live.  I can’t and won’t do it any more.  It’s time to live, enjoy life and enjoy my kids and my grand baby. 

Let it go, stop worrying, relax and take a day at a time.  you’ll feel so much better.

Emotions

Lately,  I have had so many mixed emotions.  Happiness, (my Granddaughter), worry and anxiety (my daughters), Exhaustion (mental), emotional (getting older), confusion (how I believe). 

My heart is about to explode with love for my granddaughter, it’s crazy, she is so perfect.  She does have an attitude, but at 7 mo. that’s cute in Mi Mi’s eyes, LOL.   Secondly, I wish I could take away the problems that my daughters encounter.  It’s so difficult to watch your children suffer in any way. 

I understand that I’m not going to be around forever, now.

I get sad, when I think of my mistakes, I am happy at the things I actually did right, and I get mad for justice that should have been served.

Last but not least, I know who my Lord and Savior is, but do these bible scholars, decons, church members, and so called Christians know?

FOOD FOR THOUGHT!

Mother’s Love

So many times in life, if you are a true mother, you pray and wish the best for your children.  You give birth, change diapers, teach them, and so forth.  You try to teach them right from wrong, and also try to protect them.  As for me, I lie in wait for them to be taken from me, like I deserve to be punished.  Why would I think I need to be punished, as if I have lived some horrible life, that deserves pain.  I am human, and have had many heartaches, but the heartache of seeing my children in pain, whether it be health or other issues, sometimes is almost unbearable.  I sometimes blame myself, like God must be punishing me.  He doesn’t do that does he?  Helpless, I’m helpless when it comes to helping my oldest daughter and her health issues.  I hate it.  I wish it were me instead.  What can I do, but pray and hope a God, that honestly, sometimes I see as cruel, intervenes and heals her.  I get so confused and angry.  I don’t know what I believe sometimes.  I do believe God is real, but I also believe that man has made some grave mistakes in the interpretation of things.  I get so scared that I will lose the people I love, like I  lost my daddy when I was a baby.  Abandonment, I have experienced it any more than one way.  I put up barriers to keep from getting hurt or disappointed.  I never get excited about anything any more, I’m afraid to.  Oh dear Lord, how I want to scream at something or someone.  Punch someone, hurt someone.  Instead, I cry and stare into space.  I draw a blank.

Irritated

I just can’t believe what State representatives are willing to do for the almighty dollar.  I just found out yesterday that they are trying to make budget cuts in IL, and one thing they are trying to do, is get rid of my psychiatrist.  You start healing and trust someone, then State interferes and you have to start over.  I have been with them for 10 years or over and I love and trust them.  Please help me in stopping our officials in IL from doing this.  I have a petition started and it needs at least 100 signatures to be sent to the right officials.

https://www.change.org/p/brandon-phelps-gary-forby-stop-state-budget-cuts-on-the-services-of-the-psychiatrist-at-massac-county-mental-health-amp-family-counseling-center?recruiter=5758559&utm_source=share_petition&utm_medium=copylink&rp_sharecordion_checklist=checklist_promote