Life is Tricky

    I haven’t written in a while, but, my life has been crazy.  My body is fighting against me as, I have started the beginnings of menopause, also, in October my husband was finally able to have his youngest daughter live with us, after 10 years of living with her grandmother, (my husband’s mom).  The truth about what’s behind that, is a very long, frustrating story.  Any way, 10 years later, we have my husband’s 12 year old daughter living with us.  It’s a very happy occasion, don’t get me wrong yet,  you have to understand, my biological daughters are grown, married and out of the house, and we have a 2 year old granddaughter.  So, I have lived a long time just taking care of myself and my husband, this is a shock to my 48 year old mind and body.  My energy level is not what is used to be, and his daughter is missing some very simple basic rules of life, all in all, she is a very sweet child though.

As far as menopause goes, I am irritable, tired, and never know when I’m going to have my monthly visitor.  I have night sweats, no libido and I get very depressed at times.  This is on top of my diagnosed severe anxiety, PTSD, bipolar disorder, etc… So I guess you can see why, I haven’t had time to write until now.  I started selling Younique products, which is something I love, but, I haven’t had a lot of time to put into it.  Here is the link if you would like to purchase makeup, or skincare products.  Your face will love you if you do, http://melinasyounique.com/

Tomorrow, is my granddaughter’s 2nd birthday.  She has already had her birthday party, but I am going to try to make her day as special as possible.  I cannot believe how the time has just flown by.  Any who, I wanted to write before I fall asleep in my favorite chair. LOL  I will try to post more often.  Hope 2017 has been treating you well.

 

 

Worry doesn’t fix anything

     I used to worry on a daily basis, for example, I feel like I will die at an early age, or something is going to take my happiness away.  Every ache and pain I had was the end of the world, then, I started counseling and depression meds, I found out the root of my negativity.  Part the sexual abuse, part genetics.  My father, from what I understand had emotional issues, I mean my biological father.  A person can hear so many horror stories, that if you already have emotional problems, anxiety, and depression, every little thing you go through feels like the end of the world.  After years of meds and counseling, plus my age, I am finally learning to take life as it comes, one day at a time.  I mean, really, what can you do about sicknesses, or someone’s bad decisions?  Nothing, you pray, put it in God’s hands and count every good day, blessing and calm hour.  I have learned this the hard way.  In my 20’s and early 30’s, I borrowed trouble, waiting for the next shoe to drop.  That’s no way to live.  I can’t and won’t do it any more.  It’s time to live, enjoy life and enjoy my kids and my grand baby. 

Let it go, stop worrying, relax and take a day at a time.  you’ll feel so much better.

Emotions

Lately,  I have had so many mixed emotions.  Happiness, (my Granddaughter), worry and anxiety (my daughters), Exhaustion (mental), emotional (getting older), confusion (how I believe). 

My heart is about to explode with love for my granddaughter, it’s crazy, she is so perfect.  She does have an attitude, but at 7 mo. that’s cute in Mi Mi’s eyes, LOL.   Secondly, I wish I could take away the problems that my daughters encounter.  It’s so difficult to watch your children suffer in any way. 

I understand that I’m not going to be around forever, now.

I get sad, when I think of my mistakes, I am happy at the things I actually did right, and I get mad for justice that should have been served.

Last but not least, I know who my Lord and Savior is, but do these bible scholars, decons, church members, and so called Christians know?

FOOD FOR THOUGHT!

Life’s bumps

My husband had a small vacation and we went on a minor trip to TN.  It was a lot of fun, when we pulled into the driveway, I received a call from my son in law, my daughter was not doing well and could I come and pick up my granddaughter.  NO PROBLEM THERE AT ALL.  I was so worried about my daughter though, I wanted to cry.  Why does she have to go through so many health issues?  It’s not fair, we have had so much heartache in such a small amount of time, it’s time for all of us to be happy.  Please God, why are you testing us so much? Lord, just give it to me, let me take on this health issue for her.  I would rather go through the pain than see my kids go through it.  I question why, I get angry at God.  Why?  Because sometimes I feel like we are lab rats.  God just stop this, let some child molester have these issues.  Mean or not, I think they deserve to suffer, not me and my family.  Judge me, and my thoughts I don’t care any more.  I am a mother, I am a protector, I am a mama bear, I will protect, serve and love my husband and children until the day I die.  If you don’t understand that, then don’t let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya!!!!

Wise

I observe so much more as I get older, I know more.  I have realized my mistakes, and some of them not completely my fault, whether it be, wrong advice or just pure ignorance from what I was taught.  You cannot  change past decisions, but you can make today better that yesterday.  The more I see my granddaughter the more I ponder on things and my eyes open up.  As I told my daughter today, I wish people had given us better advice.  Like, stay away from your stepfather, molesters never change.  We instead were fed a line of bull, “Oh, he’s changed, it won’t happen again,”  Lies!  As far as I am observing, now, I think he hurt even more people than I was ever aware of.  Thank God, I don’t have to see him ever again.  Although I am talking to my mom, and trying to be around her, she still upsets me and disgusts me if I think about things too much.  It’s very hard when that person is still married to the person that messed your childhood up.  

I have my true family though, and they make me happy and it just keeps growing.  There is always something to look to besides the past.

I Suprised Myself

     As I said in my last blog, there would be more to come, today I’m ready to tell you a little more of my getting past my sexual abuse.  Mother’s day is Sunday, and it seems God has been saying it’s time to make a little step forward, towards my mother.  I haven’t spoken to her in two to three years, because she is married to the man that molested me.  I have taken my time to gather myself for a long time now, and now, I am ready to communicate with her, and her only, never again with my stepfather though.  So, that being said, I sent a  text my mother, bible verses every now and then, and I bought her a mother’s day card, (she did give birth to me).

I knew that today my daughter’s were meeting with her, and they were just down the road.  God told me, it seemed almost a real tug, to not waste my stamp, go give her the card and a hug, even if that’s all it was.  I don’t want something to happen to her or me, and me wish for the rest of my days, that I had at least spoken to her.  And so I mark this day, the 8th of May, 2 days before Mother’s Day, a day of a major break through.

      Now this isn’t a step for everyone, but right now at the age of 47, it is what God wants for my life.  God is a must in my life.  He knows what’s best, so I will try to do my best and listen to Him.  \

She held me tight, and told me she loved me.  I believe her, although I think she is fooled and extremely misguided.  She is my mom and I do love her.

Th

My friend

My friend Jori Nunes wrote a book called Chocolate Flowers, that is fiction based on true life experiences, about the sexual abuse she endured as a child at the hands of her own biological mother to whom had serious mental illness. I was disappointed in the Dr. Phil show yesterday, as my friend, Jori was on it, trying to raise awareness on the subject of sexual abuse. Instead she was attacked by her own brother, that wasn’t even alive for most of the actual sexual abuse, he wasn’t even born yet. She was called a liar, and the show didn’t even cover the effects of childhood sexual abuse, which is what Jori wanted along with help for her and her siblings. Well, I wish that Dr. Phil’s producers had been more interested in raising awareness on childhood sexual abuse instead of ratings. Please Dr. Phil have another show, (if Jori would even appear on it now), and rectify this situation. I love you Jori and those of us who have the pleasure of knowing you, are honored to know you.