Does It Ever Get Any Easier?

     Summertime should be a time of fun and laughter.  Not usually for me or my family.  It gets so hot in ILLINOIS, that my husband to whom works outside all day on barges, gets absolutely exhausted and I worry about him.  I have PTSD, from sexual abuse, and summertime is worse for flashbacks, because that’s when a lot of it happened.  My oldest daughter has health issues, and it seems that when she should be enjoying the sun, she has to go through another surgery.  My youngest daughter, well, she’s young and trying to survive in our horrible economy.  

In the past, I wouldn’t be able to function hardly at all.  I wouldn’t get up early and exercise, I would mope around unable to smile.  Since, it doesn’t get any easier, I’ve learned to cope.  Not pretend troubles don’t happen, just realize that life wasn’t intended to be easy, it was intended for you to look at the glass half full.  I now look at my husband, my daughters and my granddaughter, and tell myself to keep fighting.  There is light at the end of the tunnel.  Life is what you make of it.  Sure, I get aggravated and angry at times, cry, yell at the idiot driver next to me.  That doesn’t mean my life sucks, it means that life is life.  You go through the shit, and keep trudging on. 

Another thing, since I am almost 48 years old in September, I will no longer try to please everyone, and change myself to do it.  I am me, take me or leave me.  I will speak my mind.  Hopefully I remember to do it with respect, but I am not going to take any crap off of anyone.  I was a door mat for a long time, not any more.  

    Be true to you.  Be respectful and loving.  Help when your able.  Don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t, and don’t let anyone change you or your personality.  God made you unique, and He didn’t mean for anyone to change you!!!!

Make It Beautiful!

    As I said in one of my other posts, the start of 2016 was, well, a nightmare.  I won’t give you any details, other than to say, I thought my whole life was going to hell in a hand basket.

Now, it’s the end of January and I feel like I’m walking on clouds.  I feel appreciated, loved, protected and because of a skin care product I use, I finally feel pretty.

It takes some sanding down to bare metal sometimes to find the smooth.  The expression, “Diamond in the Rough,” fits my life to a T.

I am trying to learn to be positive instead of a DEBBIE DOWNER.   I’m trying not to always wait for the sky to fall.  Just because life is good right now, doesn’t mean it is going to end.  I love my family, each and everyone of them.  My husband is at work and I miss him.  After eight years of marriage, we are cuddling and listening to each other.  It’s a shame we as humans have to go through rough periods in our lives to appreciate how wonderful our lives really are.

Please, take the advice of a 48 year old, stop being so negative.  It’s stressful and uncalled for.  Life IS what you make of it.  So, make it beautiful.

I LIVE MY PAST

When I say I live my past, I don’t mean, “I live IN my past,” I mean, I LIVE MY PAST!  

It happened within the last two weeks.  An argument, upset feelings, argument gets bigger.  Before you know it, your perception is off and you have tunnel vision.  Something was said, or done, that took me straight back to a past relationship, a bad past relationship.  Not only were things we were saying and doing like my past, but I was reliving my past.  My guard came up, I put on my boxing gloves and went to war. When that happened, things that were said to me, were ten times worse than they should have been, because I just knew that I was right back in 2004, when my world was falling apart, therefore, in the present, my world was falling apart. 

Why do we do that to ourselves and others around us?  If they have lived that past with us, well, we just take them with us.  Then when you try to go back and explain everything when things have calmed down, you look like you’re making light of what happened.  I am much better than I was even a couple of years ago, but there are times I take a few steps backwards and then I have to try to keep myself from beating myself up for making a mistake.

 

I can thrive in life, excel, be so happy, if I will stop the cycle of living things over and over again.  I do it to myself.  I also think that I can handle life on my own, with no one or nothing to rely on.  I can’t.  I have to, for myself, lean on my Father.  My Father, never lets me down.  When I start listening and talking to Him, my life falls into place.  When I don’t, everything goes to Hell!  Believe what you want, live a miserable life blaming others and running in circles.  Not me.  I won’t do it any more.  I like to love, laugh, hug and joke.  I can’t do that if I’m miserable and always looking for the next shoe to drop.  If you are looking for it, it will happen, that shoe will drop straight on top of your head.

 

Take a deep breath in the middle of bad situations, and reevaluate what’s really going on.  And for goodness sake, keep others out of it until you absolutely know for sure that your life is going down that drain.  

Worry doesn’t fix anything

     I used to worry on a daily basis, for example, I feel like I will die at an early age, or something is going to take my happiness away.  Every ache and pain I had was the end of the world, then, I started counseling and depression meds, I found out the root of my negativity.  Part the sexual abuse, part genetics.  My father, from what I understand had emotional issues, I mean my biological father.  A person can hear so many horror stories, that if you already have emotional problems, anxiety, and depression, every little thing you go through feels like the end of the world.  After years of meds and counseling, plus my age, I am finally learning to take life as it comes, one day at a time.  I mean, really, what can you do about sicknesses, or someone’s bad decisions?  Nothing, you pray, put it in God’s hands and count every good day, blessing and calm hour.  I have learned this the hard way.  In my 20’s and early 30’s, I borrowed trouble, waiting for the next shoe to drop.  That’s no way to live.  I can’t and won’t do it any more.  It’s time to live, enjoy life and enjoy my kids and my grand baby. 

Let it go, stop worrying, relax and take a day at a time.  you’ll feel so much better.

Mother’s Love

So many times in life, if you are a true mother, you pray and wish the best for your children.  You give birth, change diapers, teach them, and so forth.  You try to teach them right from wrong, and also try to protect them.  As for me, I lie in wait for them to be taken from me, like I deserve to be punished.  Why would I think I need to be punished, as if I have lived some horrible life, that deserves pain.  I am human, and have had many heartaches, but the heartache of seeing my children in pain, whether it be health or other issues, sometimes is almost unbearable.  I sometimes blame myself, like God must be punishing me.  He doesn’t do that does he?  Helpless, I’m helpless when it comes to helping my oldest daughter and her health issues.  I hate it.  I wish it were me instead.  What can I do, but pray and hope a God, that honestly, sometimes I see as cruel, intervenes and heals her.  I get so confused and angry.  I don’t know what I believe sometimes.  I do believe God is real, but I also believe that man has made some grave mistakes in the interpretation of things.  I get so scared that I will lose the people I love, like I  lost my daddy when I was a baby.  Abandonment, I have experienced it any more than one way.  I put up barriers to keep from getting hurt or disappointed.  I never get excited about anything any more, I’m afraid to.  Oh dear Lord, how I want to scream at something or someone.  Punch someone, hurt someone.  Instead, I cry and stare into space.  I draw a blank.

Wish I haven’t gotten out of bed, TODAY IS ONE OF THOSE DAYS

I have been having such a rough month, I had a horrible reaction to hair dye and am now on my 3rd round of steroids.  Yet, I’m still getting up and going, trying to do the usual routine.  I have had no sleep, I still stay up when I’d rather be in bed, just to give someone some time and company.  Today, I woke up tired, yet positive.  One word, one phrase can ruin someone’s whole day and attitude, well, today it happened to me.  Most days are difficult for me, a fight, a struggle to not think of the past.  I push through though and have been doing a bang up job most days.  Some days I feel so under appreciated, and taken for granted.  Today, was one of those days.  It puts you in such a funk when someone is selfish enough to think of only themselves when they spew stupid things out of their mouths.  Bad day? Uh, yep.  Thinking about it though, 7 years of the same type of bad day, that shouldn’t happen any more at all.  I am growing numb to certain things.  My emotions aren’t much any more.  I have less sympathy than ever.  I am not Pollyanna, every day is not a bed of roses, or at least not without the thorns.  I want to be loved, and cherished.  Am I cherished?  How many faces do I wear, and how many faces do those around you wear?  Daily face, church face, ok face, fake smile face, I’m perfect face, I’m better than you face, etc….. Hypocrisy.  Say what you mean and mean what you say.  Walk the talk.  Today, I’m not positive, so sue me.  Sometimes I just don’t want to try.  Today is one of those days, why?  Because someone was selfish enough to start my day off with harsh words.  I’m tired, today I’m not trying, maybe I will tomorrow.