Does It Ever Get Any Easier?

     Summertime should be a time of fun and laughter.  Not usually for me or my family.  It gets so hot in ILLINOIS, that my husband to whom works outside all day on barges, gets absolutely exhausted and I worry about him.  I have PTSD, from sexual abuse, and summertime is worse for flashbacks, because that’s when a lot of it happened.  My oldest daughter has health issues, and it seems that when she should be enjoying the sun, she has to go through another surgery.  My youngest daughter, well, she’s young and trying to survive in our horrible economy.  

In the past, I wouldn’t be able to function hardly at all.  I wouldn’t get up early and exercise, I would mope around unable to smile.  Since, it doesn’t get any easier, I’ve learned to cope.  Not pretend troubles don’t happen, just realize that life wasn’t intended to be easy, it was intended for you to look at the glass half full.  I now look at my husband, my daughters and my granddaughter, and tell myself to keep fighting.  There is light at the end of the tunnel.  Life is what you make of it.  Sure, I get aggravated and angry at times, cry, yell at the idiot driver next to me.  That doesn’t mean my life sucks, it means that life is life.  You go through the shit, and keep trudging on. 

Another thing, since I am almost 48 years old in September, I will no longer try to please everyone, and change myself to do it.  I am me, take me or leave me.  I will speak my mind.  Hopefully I remember to do it with respect, but I am not going to take any crap off of anyone.  I was a door mat for a long time, not any more.  

    Be true to you.  Be respectful and loving.  Help when your able.  Don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t, and don’t let anyone change you or your personality.  God made you unique, and He didn’t mean for anyone to change you!!!!

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I LIVE MY PAST

When I say I live my past, I don’t mean, “I live IN my past,” I mean, I LIVE MY PAST!  

It happened within the last two weeks.  An argument, upset feelings, argument gets bigger.  Before you know it, your perception is off and you have tunnel vision.  Something was said, or done, that took me straight back to a past relationship, a bad past relationship.  Not only were things we were saying and doing like my past, but I was reliving my past.  My guard came up, I put on my boxing gloves and went to war. When that happened, things that were said to me, were ten times worse than they should have been, because I just knew that I was right back in 2004, when my world was falling apart, therefore, in the present, my world was falling apart. 

Why do we do that to ourselves and others around us?  If they have lived that past with us, well, we just take them with us.  Then when you try to go back and explain everything when things have calmed down, you look like you’re making light of what happened.  I am much better than I was even a couple of years ago, but there are times I take a few steps backwards and then I have to try to keep myself from beating myself up for making a mistake.

 

I can thrive in life, excel, be so happy, if I will stop the cycle of living things over and over again.  I do it to myself.  I also think that I can handle life on my own, with no one or nothing to rely on.  I can’t.  I have to, for myself, lean on my Father.  My Father, never lets me down.  When I start listening and talking to Him, my life falls into place.  When I don’t, everything goes to Hell!  Believe what you want, live a miserable life blaming others and running in circles.  Not me.  I won’t do it any more.  I like to love, laugh, hug and joke.  I can’t do that if I’m miserable and always looking for the next shoe to drop.  If you are looking for it, it will happen, that shoe will drop straight on top of your head.

 

Take a deep breath in the middle of bad situations, and reevaluate what’s really going on.  And for goodness sake, keep others out of it until you absolutely know for sure that your life is going down that drain.  

PLEASE, NO!!!!!!

It’s crazy, just yesterday I was talking about how I hate to be around crowds. Today, I am faced with a challenge to which, I am already having panic attacks about.  I have to go to my stepdaughter’s basketball game.  My husband won’t be there ,he has to work.  I have to be around strangers, dear God, how I hate to be around strangers, especially that many.  They’re all looking at me, they all think I’m stupid or ugly.  Please, No!!!    No one understands, my husband doesn’t understand me.  My heart is pumping out of my chest.  He also wants to go to the church for Thanksgiving Dinner.  No one talks to us, they hate me, or at least they act like I don’t exist.  These are my thoughts.  The older I get, the less I want to be in social situations with more than 10 people at a time. 

I have no confidence, I feel fat, ugly, and unwanted.  I try not to.  I try to tell myself I am beautifully and wonderfully made. Ha, I hate it when people say that.  Before I go, it’s what do I wear, do people think I’m tacky?  Why, Why can’t I just stay home in my safe place.  I wish I were rich, I would order groceries to be brought to my house.  Thanksgiving dinner is even another issue within my mind.  I love seeing family, yet my bubble is invaded.  I get anxious, grouchy.  I hate it when I do that.  I have been through years and years of counseling and I’m on medication, yet this part does not change.  I put on a smile and fake it.  I am more comfortable around teenagers and young adults than people my age.  They don’t judge.  They accept me for who I am.  I’m different, I like tattoos, I like leggings and T-shirts.  I don’t like dresses or dress clothes, (which church people seem to frown upon).  Why do they do that? 

So many thoughts in my head today.  I feel awful that I’m more comfortable alone.  Please, no one, tell me to pray about it!  I hate that too.  Some things do not change.  Some hang ups are just there, and they are meant to be there for some sort of purpose.  I hope that some day, these blogs, my book, will help someone, and someone will reach out to me and let me know they help.  What about you?  Do you feel like this?

All I can say, is that I will suffer through today, with a smile on my face while inside saying, “PLEASE NO!”