I have been having such a rough month, I had a horrible reaction to hair dye and am now on my 3rd round of steroids. Yet, I’m still getting up and going, trying to do the usual routine. I have had no sleep, I still stay up when I’d rather be in bed, just to give someone some time and company. Today, I woke up tired, yet positive. One word, one phrase can ruin someone’s whole day and attitude, well, today it happened to me. Most days are difficult for me, a fight, a struggle to not think of the past. I push through though and have been doing a bang up job most days. Some days I feel so under appreciated, and taken for granted. Today, was one of those days. It puts you in such a funk when someone is selfish enough to think of only themselves when they spew stupid things out of their mouths. Bad day? Uh, yep. Thinking about it though, 7 years of the same type of bad day, that shouldn’t happen any more at all. I am growing numb to certain things. My emotions aren’t much any more. I have less sympathy than ever. I am not Pollyanna, every day is not a bed of roses, or at least not without the thorns. I want to be loved, and cherished. Am I cherished? How many faces do I wear, and how many faces do those around you wear? Daily face, church face, ok face, fake smile face, I’m perfect face, I’m better than you face, etc….. Hypocrisy. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Walk the talk. Today, I’m not positive, so sue me. Sometimes I just don’t want to try. Today is one of those days, why? Because someone was selfish enough to start my day off with harsh words. I’m tired, today I’m not trying, maybe I will tomorrow.
Yesterday I was a little down, sometimes you have those days. I got home after going to a store that carries all natural beauty products and herbs. I’m allergic to everything I think. Some days, I wonder what my purpose is. Does God still plan on using me, even though I don’t do much, and I sometimes question people and even Christianity? When I got home, I got on Facebook to do my usual book promotions over the internet. When I got on, I had already liked a page called, Lacey Sturm Rock Princess-Revelations. Lacey is the former lead singer of Flyleaf, one of my favorite bands. She has written a book called The Reason: How I Discovered A Life Worth Living. I had messaged this page to let them know, I had also written a book and I felt that Lacey and I had a lot in common. I didn’t expect a response, but someone from the page, called, Josue, contacted me. Amazing, I don’t know if he knows Lacey, but I gathered that he did, and he said he had forwarded my message to Lacey. Long story short, God used Josue to let me know, God is still there, willing to use me to help others. I don’t know if I’ll ever get to know Lacey, but she struggled with an obsession with death and thinking of suicide, as I also had most of my life. I know that if we ever do get a chance to talk, we can help people together. Suicide is no joke and it’s a permanent decision to a temporary state of mind. People with a like cause can move mountains as long as a person puts their lives in the hands of an all knowing God. If you don’t you will be walking in the dark. Read my book Forgiveness Not Permission and Lacey’s book, you will truly see that God is there and he can bring you out of the big black cloud!!!!