Self Evaluation

 In so many areas of my life, I have done things only to please someone else and have left myself feeling so empty inside.  Either the person I was trying to please, eventually left or betrayed me, or they stopped aprrecitating my efforts all together.  Years of living and gaining wisdom, has led me to the thoughts I have today, if you don’t like me for me, then to hell with you.  Plain and simple.  It’s unreal that it took me 47 years to figure that out.  I owe no one anything, but my God!!!  I will be curteous, and try to put others feelings at a very high level, but I will never be a door mat again.  I need to love myself, if someone close to me doesn’t understand that then they are the ones with the issue.  I HAVE to value myself to live a life worth living.  

    How many times in your own life, have you laid awake at night wondering what someone else thought of you?  Whether it be, something you said, the way you looked, or something another person said to you.  I can’t do it anymore!  It was wearing me out and driving me insane.  Don’t wear this, they’ll look down on you.  Oh crap, better not post that on Facebook, someone will think I’m horrible, or don’t buy that bottle of wine there, too many will see me and think I’m a drunk.  No, not happening Ever again.  I know, what God tells me, you don’t.  If you look down on me for something, well, that’s your own self loathing not mine.  With me; what you see is what you get.  I say what I mean, and mean what I say.  I am self maintained for the most part and I don’t need someone else’s approval.  

    I am a grown  ass woman that has feelings and needs.  And I don’t need fake, judgemental people around me at all.  I won’t have anyone around me like that.  Life is too short to look for approval from people that wouldn’t give a plug nickle if I fell off of the face of the earth right now.  So, if you don’t like what I have blogged, or posted, Please unfollow me and forget you ever saw my name, because I probably don’t even know yours.

Does It Ever Get Any Easier?

     Summertime should be a time of fun and laughter.  Not usually for me or my family.  It gets so hot in ILLINOIS, that my husband to whom works outside all day on barges, gets absolutely exhausted and I worry about him.  I have PTSD, from sexual abuse, and summertime is worse for flashbacks, because that’s when a lot of it happened.  My oldest daughter has health issues, and it seems that when she should be enjoying the sun, she has to go through another surgery.  My youngest daughter, well, she’s young and trying to survive in our horrible economy.  

In the past, I wouldn’t be able to function hardly at all.  I wouldn’t get up early and exercise, I would mope around unable to smile.  Since, it doesn’t get any easier, I’ve learned to cope.  Not pretend troubles don’t happen, just realize that life wasn’t intended to be easy, it was intended for you to look at the glass half full.  I now look at my husband, my daughters and my granddaughter, and tell myself to keep fighting.  There is light at the end of the tunnel.  Life is what you make of it.  Sure, I get aggravated and angry at times, cry, yell at the idiot driver next to me.  That doesn’t mean my life sucks, it means that life is life.  You go through the shit, and keep trudging on. 

Another thing, since I am almost 48 years old in September, I will no longer try to please everyone, and change myself to do it.  I am me, take me or leave me.  I will speak my mind.  Hopefully I remember to do it with respect, but I am not going to take any crap off of anyone.  I was a door mat for a long time, not any more.  

    Be true to you.  Be respectful and loving.  Help when your able.  Don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t, and don’t let anyone change you or your personality.  God made you unique, and He didn’t mean for anyone to change you!!!!

Make It Beautiful!

    As I said in one of my other posts, the start of 2016 was, well, a nightmare.  I won’t give you any details, other than to say, I thought my whole life was going to hell in a hand basket.

Now, it’s the end of January and I feel like I’m walking on clouds.  I feel appreciated, loved, protected and because of a skin care product I use, I finally feel pretty.

It takes some sanding down to bare metal sometimes to find the smooth.  The expression, “Diamond in the Rough,” fits my life to a T.

I am trying to learn to be positive instead of a DEBBIE DOWNER.   I’m trying not to always wait for the sky to fall.  Just because life is good right now, doesn’t mean it is going to end.  I love my family, each and everyone of them.  My husband is at work and I miss him.  After eight years of marriage, we are cuddling and listening to each other.  It’s a shame we as humans have to go through rough periods in our lives to appreciate how wonderful our lives really are.

Please, take the advice of a 48 year old, stop being so negative.  It’s stressful and uncalled for.  Life IS what you make of it.  So, make it beautiful.

Perfect Love Casts Out All Fear

     There is no fear in love.  But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment.  The one who fears is not made perfect in love.  1 John 4:18

 

When you love someone, you protect them, stand up for them, they can count on you no matter what mistakes they make.  Too many people throw that word, Love, around lightly, then when a big problem arises, they’re ready to throw in the towel.

  In the past, I was guilty of this.  I don’t want to throw those words around any more.  I don’t want to tell anyone I love them, unless, I’m willing to back those very important three words up.

This goes for spouses, family, friends and Christians.  Self professed Christians sometimes say those words way too much.  If you gossip about someone, you don’t love them.  If you give someone an ultimatum, you don’t love them.  How could you?  If you are ready to throw a relationship away at the first sign of trouble, well, that causes fear.  That’s not perfect love.  

 

So many times in the past, people have told me they love me, but when I did something they didn’t agree with, or didn’t meet up to their standards, they abandoned me.  Left me high and dry.  With nothing, but hurt feelings and distrust.  Please don’t do that to someone.  Love them with your whole heart.  Stand by them through thick and thin.  You never know when it could be the last day, hour or minute that you ever see them again.

I say if you if you use the words, “I love you,” PROVE IT!!

Clarify

     I must clarify, my blog yesterday was NOT a cry for help.  It was a blog representing a point of view from a depressed individual or  sexual abuse victims feelings.  A point of view I used to have and many still have.  If  you have felt like the example in yesterday’s post, get help.  Talk to someone. 

I am a very happy moma, and Mi Mi.  I attribute it to God, my husband and my children.  I love life, love living, and live it to the fullest.  You should too.  Read Forgiveness Not Permission by Beth Kozine, available on Amazon.Fun with Isla

Observation and wisdom

     We experience pain of many different kinds in life as children and adults.  Some are physical and some are mental, some are both.  I mean, traumatic experiences that make us so stressed and messed up that our bodies reject a normal existence.  Our bodies can die from the inside out.  In other words, my mind sees what I’ve experienced in real time, but it wants to reject it, so, it fights against me.  My stomach hurts, I have headaches, my heart beats too fast and I feel like I will puke.  I can’t sleep, I either eat too much or I can’t eat at all.  I want to stare into space and everyone leave me alone, but, I can’t.  I have a house and family to take care of.  What should I do?  I AM NOT GOING TO END MY LIFE!!!!  I choose to live, but, please someone understand and help me. 

I cry.  I wait until I’m alone, and then, I fall to pieces.  There is only a choice few that understand what I feel and are sympathetic to me.  I cry.  Please someone help me.  Take away the anxiety that plagues my mind and heart.  Doctors, psychiatrists, counselors, medicine.  Why can’t I just be normal?  Wait, what is normal?  I have never seen normal, I don’t think there is a normal life.  I am sympathetic to others, yet, I am so angry.  I’m hurt, defiled, and tainted.  I grew up too fast.  No one understands that or me.  I think I will just stare into space and pretend no one is around me, I don’t exist.

Worry doesn’t fix anything

     I used to worry on a daily basis, for example, I feel like I will die at an early age, or something is going to take my happiness away.  Every ache and pain I had was the end of the world, then, I started counseling and depression meds, I found out the root of my negativity.  Part the sexual abuse, part genetics.  My father, from what I understand had emotional issues, I mean my biological father.  A person can hear so many horror stories, that if you already have emotional problems, anxiety, and depression, every little thing you go through feels like the end of the world.  After years of meds and counseling, plus my age, I am finally learning to take life as it comes, one day at a time.  I mean, really, what can you do about sicknesses, or someone’s bad decisions?  Nothing, you pray, put it in God’s hands and count every good day, blessing and calm hour.  I have learned this the hard way.  In my 20’s and early 30’s, I borrowed trouble, waiting for the next shoe to drop.  That’s no way to live.  I can’t and won’t do it any more.  It’s time to live, enjoy life and enjoy my kids and my grand baby. 

Let it go, stop worrying, relax and take a day at a time.  you’ll feel so much better.