Does It Ever Get Any Easier?

     Summertime should be a time of fun and laughter.  Not usually for me or my family.  It gets so hot in ILLINOIS, that my husband to whom works outside all day on barges, gets absolutely exhausted and I worry about him.  I have PTSD, from sexual abuse, and summertime is worse for flashbacks, because that’s when a lot of it happened.  My oldest daughter has health issues, and it seems that when she should be enjoying the sun, she has to go through another surgery.  My youngest daughter, well, she’s young and trying to survive in our horrible economy.  

In the past, I wouldn’t be able to function hardly at all.  I wouldn’t get up early and exercise, I would mope around unable to smile.  Since, it doesn’t get any easier, I’ve learned to cope.  Not pretend troubles don’t happen, just realize that life wasn’t intended to be easy, it was intended for you to look at the glass half full.  I now look at my husband, my daughters and my granddaughter, and tell myself to keep fighting.  There is light at the end of the tunnel.  Life is what you make of it.  Sure, I get aggravated and angry at times, cry, yell at the idiot driver next to me.  That doesn’t mean my life sucks, it means that life is life.  You go through the shit, and keep trudging on. 

Another thing, since I am almost 48 years old in September, I will no longer try to please everyone, and change myself to do it.  I am me, take me or leave me.  I will speak my mind.  Hopefully I remember to do it with respect, but I am not going to take any crap off of anyone.  I was a door mat for a long time, not any more.  

    Be true to you.  Be respectful and loving.  Help when your able.  Don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t, and don’t let anyone change you or your personality.  God made you unique, and He didn’t mean for anyone to change you!!!!

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Do you ever why it took you so long to get where you’re at?

Do you ever wonder why it took you so long to get where you’re at?  I mean, from the time I was in grade school on up, I knew I only wanted to be a wife and mother, but because I let other people and their opinions influence me.  I made too many crazy stops, before I got to my current destination as wife, mom and now, Mi Mi.

I never wanted a “career”, but I had everyone in my ear telling me that I needed to go to college, I needed to make money, blah, blah, blah, blah….. No I didn’t!!  I was always the type that loved to be around family and I loved being creative.  I loved to write, sing and draw.  If everyone had left me alone and let me follow my dreams, it might not have taken so long for me to finally be happy.  Yes, I have a mental illness, oh dang, I SAID IT!!! I’m mentally ill.  How dare you if you just thought of the word crazy!  It doesn’t mean that I’m crazy.  It just means my ailment isn’t physical.  I was born with parts of my illness, but others developed from traumas that happened in my life.  Everyone would be happier if they would just admit it and get help, instead of blaming everyone else.  Any way, as I was saying, I knew what I wanted.  I should’ve told everyone else to take a flying leap, but I didn’t, so, it took a long time and a lot of heartache because I let other people run my life.

If your kids aren’t killing themselves, they’re respectful, appreciative, then leave them alone to follow their dreams instead of telling them to follow YOUR dreams.  A lot of people that are going to college or have already been, have spent a lot of money on an education, yet they still don’t have a job or they’re unhappy.  College doesn’t fix unhappiness.

Sometimes I feel like congratulating parents on making their kids feel miserable and inadequate.

Just because you didn’t do what you think you should’ve when you had the chance, now you project your unhappiness onto your own children.  Tell your kids that you love them and want to support them in anything they would like to accomplish.  Even if you don’t have the money, be their moral support.  Then maybe it won’t take 30+ years to realize they’re finally doing what they always wanted to do, and they will have a great relationship with you by their side!

 

 

Clarify

     I must clarify, my blog yesterday was NOT a cry for help.  It was a blog representing a point of view from a depressed individual or  sexual abuse victims feelings.  A point of view I used to have and many still have.  If  you have felt like the example in yesterday’s post, get help.  Talk to someone. 

I am a very happy moma, and Mi Mi.  I attribute it to God, my husband and my children.  I love life, love living, and live it to the fullest.  You should too.  Read Forgiveness Not Permission by Beth Kozine, available on Amazon.Fun with Isla

Observation and wisdom

     We experience pain of many different kinds in life as children and adults.  Some are physical and some are mental, some are both.  I mean, traumatic experiences that make us so stressed and messed up that our bodies reject a normal existence.  Our bodies can die from the inside out.  In other words, my mind sees what I’ve experienced in real time, but it wants to reject it, so, it fights against me.  My stomach hurts, I have headaches, my heart beats too fast and I feel like I will puke.  I can’t sleep, I either eat too much or I can’t eat at all.  I want to stare into space and everyone leave me alone, but, I can’t.  I have a house and family to take care of.  What should I do?  I AM NOT GOING TO END MY LIFE!!!!  I choose to live, but, please someone understand and help me. 

I cry.  I wait until I’m alone, and then, I fall to pieces.  There is only a choice few that understand what I feel and are sympathetic to me.  I cry.  Please someone help me.  Take away the anxiety that plagues my mind and heart.  Doctors, psychiatrists, counselors, medicine.  Why can’t I just be normal?  Wait, what is normal?  I have never seen normal, I don’t think there is a normal life.  I am sympathetic to others, yet, I am so angry.  I’m hurt, defiled, and tainted.  I grew up too fast.  No one understands that or me.  I think I will just stare into space and pretend no one is around me, I don’t exist.

Emotions

Lately,  I have had so many mixed emotions.  Happiness, (my Granddaughter), worry and anxiety (my daughters), Exhaustion (mental), emotional (getting older), confusion (how I believe). 

My heart is about to explode with love for my granddaughter, it’s crazy, she is so perfect.  She does have an attitude, but at 7 mo. that’s cute in Mi Mi’s eyes, LOL.   Secondly, I wish I could take away the problems that my daughters encounter.  It’s so difficult to watch your children suffer in any way. 

I understand that I’m not going to be around forever, now.

I get sad, when I think of my mistakes, I am happy at the things I actually did right, and I get mad for justice that should have been served.

Last but not least, I know who my Lord and Savior is, but do these bible scholars, decons, church members, and so called Christians know?

FOOD FOR THOUGHT!

Mother’s Love

So many times in life, if you are a true mother, you pray and wish the best for your children.  You give birth, change diapers, teach them, and so forth.  You try to teach them right from wrong, and also try to protect them.  As for me, I lie in wait for them to be taken from me, like I deserve to be punished.  Why would I think I need to be punished, as if I have lived some horrible life, that deserves pain.  I am human, and have had many heartaches, but the heartache of seeing my children in pain, whether it be health or other issues, sometimes is almost unbearable.  I sometimes blame myself, like God must be punishing me.  He doesn’t do that does he?  Helpless, I’m helpless when it comes to helping my oldest daughter and her health issues.  I hate it.  I wish it were me instead.  What can I do, but pray and hope a God, that honestly, sometimes I see as cruel, intervenes and heals her.  I get so confused and angry.  I don’t know what I believe sometimes.  I do believe God is real, but I also believe that man has made some grave mistakes in the interpretation of things.  I get so scared that I will lose the people I love, like I  lost my daddy when I was a baby.  Abandonment, I have experienced it any more than one way.  I put up barriers to keep from getting hurt or disappointed.  I never get excited about anything any more, I’m afraid to.  Oh dear Lord, how I want to scream at something or someone.  Punch someone, hurt someone.  Instead, I cry and stare into space.  I draw a blank.

Life’s bumps

My husband had a small vacation and we went on a minor trip to TN.  It was a lot of fun, when we pulled into the driveway, I received a call from my son in law, my daughter was not doing well and could I come and pick up my granddaughter.  NO PROBLEM THERE AT ALL.  I was so worried about my daughter though, I wanted to cry.  Why does she have to go through so many health issues?  It’s not fair, we have had so much heartache in such a small amount of time, it’s time for all of us to be happy.  Please God, why are you testing us so much? Lord, just give it to me, let me take on this health issue for her.  I would rather go through the pain than see my kids go through it.  I question why, I get angry at God.  Why?  Because sometimes I feel like we are lab rats.  God just stop this, let some child molester have these issues.  Mean or not, I think they deserve to suffer, not me and my family.  Judge me, and my thoughts I don’t care any more.  I am a mother, I am a protector, I am a mama bear, I will protect, serve and love my husband and children until the day I die.  If you don’t understand that, then don’t let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya!!!!