Wise

I observe so much more as I get older, I know more.  I have realized my mistakes, and some of them not completely my fault, whether it be, wrong advice or just pure ignorance from what I was taught.  You cannot  change past decisions, but you can make today better that yesterday.  The more I see my granddaughter the more I ponder on things and my eyes open up.  As I told my daughter today, I wish people had given us better advice.  Like, stay away from your stepfather, molesters never change.  We instead were fed a line of bull, “Oh, he’s changed, it won’t happen again,”  Lies!  As far as I am observing, now, I think he hurt even more people than I was ever aware of.  Thank God, I don’t have to see him ever again.  Although I am talking to my mom, and trying to be around her, she still upsets me and disgusts me if I think about things too much.  It’s very hard when that person is still married to the person that messed your childhood up.  

I have my true family though, and they make me happy and it just keeps growing.  There is always something to look to besides the past.

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I Suprised Myself

     As I said in my last blog, there would be more to come, today I’m ready to tell you a little more of my getting past my sexual abuse.  Mother’s day is Sunday, and it seems God has been saying it’s time to make a little step forward, towards my mother.  I haven’t spoken to her in two to three years, because she is married to the man that molested me.  I have taken my time to gather myself for a long time now, and now, I am ready to communicate with her, and her only, never again with my stepfather though.  So, that being said, I sent a  text my mother, bible verses every now and then, and I bought her a mother’s day card, (she did give birth to me).

I knew that today my daughter’s were meeting with her, and they were just down the road.  God told me, it seemed almost a real tug, to not waste my stamp, go give her the card and a hug, even if that’s all it was.  I don’t want something to happen to her or me, and me wish for the rest of my days, that I had at least spoken to her.  And so I mark this day, the 8th of May, 2 days before Mother’s Day, a day of a major break through.

      Now this isn’t a step for everyone, but right now at the age of 47, it is what God wants for my life.  God is a must in my life.  He knows what’s best, so I will try to do my best and listen to Him.  \

She held me tight, and told me she loved me.  I believe her, although I think she is fooled and extremely misguided.  She is my mom and I do love her.

Th

AS I LOOK INTO HER EYES

    As I look into the eyes of my granddaughter, I see a part of my daughter and myself.  Through her, a part of me will live on.  The part of me that is innocent and untainted by memories and pain.  A new start and a new beginning.

When I look at her memories of my childhood sexual abuse disappear.  All I see is her beautiful smile and hear her coos.  To hold her and cuddle her melts away all the pain, stress and betrayal that I have ever felt.

She is innocent, looking at me as I hold her, knowing that I will protect her and she trusts me, I will not fail her.  I wonder, before my mom and I went through the pain and tragedies of my sexual abuse, when my real father was alive, did my mother look at me the way I looked at my daughters and my granddaughter when I hold them?

When  I wrote the book Forgiveness Not Permission under my pen name, Beth Kozine, I did exactly what I should have done in that point of my survival, in not seeing my mother.  It’s been 3 years now.  Right at this moment, I’m in a different place and stage of my recovery.  I will never speak to or see my stepfather again, this I know, but there may be hope for me speaking to my mother.  Short baby steps on that one.  On my terms only.   To be continued……..

I made a mistake!

My oldest daughter made the decision to start talking to my mother again, if, she could abide by my daughter’s rules and boundaries.  The day she spoke and met with my mother, I got this bright idea, that maybe things could change and I should text her.  Dumb idea.  This is what I said, “Mama I know that you talked to ***** today and I’ve been thinking.  I don’t think you understand that I do love you, I have been in so much pain through the years that I just pretended it wasn’t there, then, when the last incident happened, when I felt violated, It was just the last straw.  If we were to try again, I would want us to try to go to counseling together, with my counselor and work on it from there.  I am praying about this, just be patient and give me time to think.”  She told me to take all of the time I needed, then after that the other texts were contradictory.  The last text she said this, “Just pray, u might not need me,” Wanda

After that text my attitude was, Yep you’re right, if you’re gonna say something like that, then I don’t need you.  Yet again, she was not willing to fight for me.  I don’t want her around my grand daughter, but I have no choice in the matter.  My mother will be in constant competition to out do me.  She was and never will be, mother material, that is something I have face now, that will never change.  Not one person can say that i didn’t try.

Does anyone understand? Even those closest to you.

Since I endured the childhood sexual abuse, I have many quirks.  I don’t trust anyone, I feel constantly watched, I don’t sleep well, memories pop up out of no where, (whether it be the abuse or a bad experience with an ex), I feel the constant need for justice, (whether it be me or my kids), I hate someone making decisions without me or consulting me, I love being alone, I go through bouts of not wanting sex, I love to be in control, yet some people take that away from me, I don’t appreciate weak individuals, I appreciate privacy, I need affection, yet have trouble accepting it.  I am very observant of those around me and can usually spot a poser.  I believe in Christ as my savior, yet I know that there are things that  just happen and there isn’t always and explanation.  There are people I am loyal to, and feel the need to protect them.  I am intolerant of some people and their constant need for attention. I have thoughts of hurting someone, yet, they are only thoughts, and it is just people that hurt me.  Sometimes I feel religious organizations, (church or Christians), claim being changed for self gratification or to hide something, yet I love Christ.  There are times that I don’t care what anyone thinks.  I feel there are certain family members that do not understand me or my pain.  I hate it when someone does not respect me or they break their promises.  I don’t feel good about my personality or my appearance.  I feel unworthy regardless of what it is.  I feel like I am constantly judged, because people do not understand what I’ve been  through.  I feel robbed of my innocence and childhood.  There are times that I would love to shut off my phone and ignore the world, or that someone would want to do something for me.  I live with constant reminder that if my mother loved me enough, she would have turned my stepfather in.  I feel that I am never taken seriously, and that people think I’m crazy because I am mentally ill, because of the abuse. I feel people are waiting for me to screw up or fail.  I have thoughts of the abuse daily, yet cannot talk about it with anyone, because I feel they are tired of hearing it.  I wish my mother would leave my stepfather, and be the parent that I deserved to have.  I will be in counseling and on medication for the rest of my life.  There are so many other quirks that I can’t think of or cannot put into words right now. 

People just do not understand the effects of sexual abuse and those that are family, that have someone that this has happened to, they should do research and do everything possible to understand their loved one that has been abused.

Do you have any of these quirks?  If so, chime in.

The special things in life

Yesterday I was able to hold my grand daughter and so was did my husband. My husband said, “This Saturday goes down in the record books as the best Saturday ever.” It made me think, yes, it’s the small little wonders in life that make life worth living. As I held her little fingers and kissed her little head, it made me feel so alive. I cannot dwell on my vast array of mistakes or my molestation any more. I can move on, try to raise awareness, but I am no longer angry about it, not that I quit wishing justice had been served, I just cannot stay in victim mode, because I’m not. I am a survivor that is flourishing. I wish that I had a mother, and I wish my real father were alive, I wish my mom would get help and there could be a new beginning, but there may never be that chance, so I don’t dwell in the what could be’s. I look at the good things in life, although simple, they make me smile on the inside and out.
My friend there is hope, you don’t have to be the constant victim, you do not have to dwell in what has happened to you. Get the help you need, you must for recovery, you won’t ever forget, this I know. You can live a full life though. Anger, hatred, and being vindictive will only hurt you. Do what you must to move on, you can be even better than what you were before, because, you survived and you are strong.

My friend

My friend Jori Nunes wrote a book called Chocolate Flowers, that is fiction based on true life experiences, about the sexual abuse she endured as a child at the hands of her own biological mother to whom had serious mental illness. I was disappointed in the Dr. Phil show yesterday, as my friend, Jori was on it, trying to raise awareness on the subject of sexual abuse. Instead she was attacked by her own brother, that wasn’t even alive for most of the actual sexual abuse, he wasn’t even born yet. She was called a liar, and the show didn’t even cover the effects of childhood sexual abuse, which is what Jori wanted along with help for her and her siblings. Well, I wish that Dr. Phil’s producers had been more interested in raising awareness on childhood sexual abuse instead of ratings. Please Dr. Phil have another show, (if Jori would even appear on it now), and rectify this situation. I love you Jori and those of us who have the pleasure of knowing you, are honored to know you.