Life is Tricky

    I haven’t written in a while, but, my life has been crazy.  My body is fighting against me as, I have started the beginnings of menopause, also, in October my husband was finally able to have his youngest daughter live with us, after 10 years of living with her grandmother, (my husband’s mom).  The truth about what’s behind that, is a very long, frustrating story.  Any way, 10 years later, we have my husband’s 12 year old daughter living with us.  It’s a very happy occasion, don’t get me wrong yet,  you have to understand, my biological daughters are grown, married and out of the house, and we have a 2 year old granddaughter.  So, I have lived a long time just taking care of myself and my husband, this is a shock to my 48 year old mind and body.  My energy level is not what is used to be, and his daughter is missing some very simple basic rules of life, all in all, she is a very sweet child though.

As far as menopause goes, I am irritable, tired, and never know when I’m going to have my monthly visitor.  I have night sweats, no libido and I get very depressed at times.  This is on top of my diagnosed severe anxiety, PTSD, bipolar disorder, etc… So I guess you can see why, I haven’t had time to write until now.  I started selling Younique products, which is something I love, but, I haven’t had a lot of time to put into it.  Here is the link if you would like to purchase makeup, or skincare products.  Your face will love you if you do, http://melinasyounique.com/

Tomorrow, is my granddaughter’s 2nd birthday.  She has already had her birthday party, but I am going to try to make her day as special as possible.  I cannot believe how the time has just flown by.  Any who, I wanted to write before I fall asleep in my favorite chair. LOL  I will try to post more often.  Hope 2017 has been treating you well.

 

 

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Does It Ever Get Any Easier?

     Summertime should be a time of fun and laughter.  Not usually for me or my family.  It gets so hot in ILLINOIS, that my husband to whom works outside all day on barges, gets absolutely exhausted and I worry about him.  I have PTSD, from sexual abuse, and summertime is worse for flashbacks, because that’s when a lot of it happened.  My oldest daughter has health issues, and it seems that when she should be enjoying the sun, she has to go through another surgery.  My youngest daughter, well, she’s young and trying to survive in our horrible economy.  

In the past, I wouldn’t be able to function hardly at all.  I wouldn’t get up early and exercise, I would mope around unable to smile.  Since, it doesn’t get any easier, I’ve learned to cope.  Not pretend troubles don’t happen, just realize that life wasn’t intended to be easy, it was intended for you to look at the glass half full.  I now look at my husband, my daughters and my granddaughter, and tell myself to keep fighting.  There is light at the end of the tunnel.  Life is what you make of it.  Sure, I get aggravated and angry at times, cry, yell at the idiot driver next to me.  That doesn’t mean my life sucks, it means that life is life.  You go through the shit, and keep trudging on. 

Another thing, since I am almost 48 years old in September, I will no longer try to please everyone, and change myself to do it.  I am me, take me or leave me.  I will speak my mind.  Hopefully I remember to do it with respect, but I am not going to take any crap off of anyone.  I was a door mat for a long time, not any more.  

    Be true to you.  Be respectful and loving.  Help when your able.  Don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t, and don’t let anyone change you or your personality.  God made you unique, and He didn’t mean for anyone to change you!!!!

Clarify

     I must clarify, my blog yesterday was NOT a cry for help.  It was a blog representing a point of view from a depressed individual or  sexual abuse victims feelings.  A point of view I used to have and many still have.  If  you have felt like the example in yesterday’s post, get help.  Talk to someone. 

I am a very happy moma, and Mi Mi.  I attribute it to God, my husband and my children.  I love life, love living, and live it to the fullest.  You should too.  Read Forgiveness Not Permission by Beth Kozine, available on Amazon.Fun with Isla

Worry doesn’t fix anything

     I used to worry on a daily basis, for example, I feel like I will die at an early age, or something is going to take my happiness away.  Every ache and pain I had was the end of the world, then, I started counseling and depression meds, I found out the root of my negativity.  Part the sexual abuse, part genetics.  My father, from what I understand had emotional issues, I mean my biological father.  A person can hear so many horror stories, that if you already have emotional problems, anxiety, and depression, every little thing you go through feels like the end of the world.  After years of meds and counseling, plus my age, I am finally learning to take life as it comes, one day at a time.  I mean, really, what can you do about sicknesses, or someone’s bad decisions?  Nothing, you pray, put it in God’s hands and count every good day, blessing and calm hour.  I have learned this the hard way.  In my 20’s and early 30’s, I borrowed trouble, waiting for the next shoe to drop.  That’s no way to live.  I can’t and won’t do it any more.  It’s time to live, enjoy life and enjoy my kids and my grand baby. 

Let it go, stop worrying, relax and take a day at a time.  you’ll feel so much better.

Mother’s Love

So many times in life, if you are a true mother, you pray and wish the best for your children.  You give birth, change diapers, teach them, and so forth.  You try to teach them right from wrong, and also try to protect them.  As for me, I lie in wait for them to be taken from me, like I deserve to be punished.  Why would I think I need to be punished, as if I have lived some horrible life, that deserves pain.  I am human, and have had many heartaches, but the heartache of seeing my children in pain, whether it be health or other issues, sometimes is almost unbearable.  I sometimes blame myself, like God must be punishing me.  He doesn’t do that does he?  Helpless, I’m helpless when it comes to helping my oldest daughter and her health issues.  I hate it.  I wish it were me instead.  What can I do, but pray and hope a God, that honestly, sometimes I see as cruel, intervenes and heals her.  I get so confused and angry.  I don’t know what I believe sometimes.  I do believe God is real, but I also believe that man has made some grave mistakes in the interpretation of things.  I get so scared that I will lose the people I love, like I  lost my daddy when I was a baby.  Abandonment, I have experienced it any more than one way.  I put up barriers to keep from getting hurt or disappointed.  I never get excited about anything any more, I’m afraid to.  Oh dear Lord, how I want to scream at something or someone.  Punch someone, hurt someone.  Instead, I cry and stare into space.  I draw a blank.

Irritated

I just can’t believe what State representatives are willing to do for the almighty dollar.  I just found out yesterday that they are trying to make budget cuts in IL, and one thing they are trying to do, is get rid of my psychiatrist.  You start healing and trust someone, then State interferes and you have to start over.  I have been with them for 10 years or over and I love and trust them.  Please help me in stopping our officials in IL from doing this.  I have a petition started and it needs at least 100 signatures to be sent to the right officials.

https://www.change.org/p/brandon-phelps-gary-forby-stop-state-budget-cuts-on-the-services-of-the-psychiatrist-at-massac-county-mental-health-amp-family-counseling-center?recruiter=5758559&utm_source=share_petition&utm_medium=copylink&rp_sharecordion_checklist=checklist_promote

Ugh!

     All I can say is, UGH!!!  Every emotion that I can feel is coming to surface today.  Depression, anxiety, anger, disappointment, etc….  I feel like I’m in my house too much, but I kind of want to get out.  I want to cry, but that makes me mad.  What to do?  I had my 6 mi run this morning, isn’t that supposed to help?  I’ve talked to my best friend, I have my hair fixed and a little make up on, but what am I going to do?  Shop? NO!!  Go talk to someone?  Don’t really feel like socializing.  I want to be normal, I’m not unhappy, I don’t think.  Everything in me just wants to lie down, give up, and go to sleep.  Dear God, help me.  I can’t tell family how I feel, they don’t understand.  They’ve heard it too much, and when I tell certain people they say, “You’re just being negative.”  I am thinking ahead, and getting overwhelmed by having to cook, Thanksgiving dinner, now, more people are coming.  No one understands my panic attacks when I have to cook a big meal.  I am an only child that was never taught to cook, because I made a mess.  I remember my mom screaming at me when I had to make a meal for a class in high school.  I didn’t do anything right.  As I type, I’m crying.  I am a mom and soon to be grandmother, and I can’t even handle cooking for my family.  If I had the money, I would have it catered.  Every fiber in my being is screaming, “I can’t do it!”  I’m a failure as a mom and house wife.  I only want to be able to handle simple things.  I feel like I’m going insane.  Baby shower, Thanksgiving, take the dogs to the vet, counseling appointment, go to the psychiatrist.  It all makes me panic, and it’s not getting better, it’s getting worse with age.  Excuse my language, but damn the sexual abuse!!!!  There wouldn’t be a lot of these feelings if I hadn’t went through that.  What am I going to do about this?  I guess I am going to have to get in that car and get out of this stupid house.  I am really trying to be positive.  I wish I could pick up the phone and talk to someone about my feelings, but no one, I mean, NO ONE in my family gets it.  I don’t wish these feelings on anyone, yet I want them to understand.  Right now, I don’t want to get out, I don’t want to answer the phone, I don’t want to think.  I should have a mom or a dad that I would be able to call and confide in.  My mom stripped me of that, it’s so unfair!!!!  I have to keep going.  Tomorrow is the weekend, my husband is going to want to run all over, doing this and doing that.  I hate feeling this way.  It’s like a black cloud hovering over my head.  Somehow I have to climb my way out of it.  If you’re out there and you’re feeling the same way, let’s get out together.  Pretend to be normal, laugh and cry, then do it all again tomorrow.