As I look into the eyes of my granddaughter, I see a part of my daughter and myself.  Through her, a part of me will live on.  The part of me that is innocent and untainted by memories and pain.  A new start and a new beginning.

When I look at her memories of my childhood sexual abuse disappear.  All I see is her beautiful smile and hear her coos.  To hold her and cuddle her melts away all the pain, stress and betrayal that I have ever felt.

She is innocent, looking at me as I hold her, knowing that I will protect her and she trusts me, I will not fail her.  I wonder, before my mom and I went through the pain and tragedies of my sexual abuse, when my real father was alive, did my mother look at me the way I looked at my daughters and my granddaughter when I hold them?

When  I wrote the book Forgiveness Not Permission under my pen name, Beth Kozine, I did exactly what I should have done in that point of my survival, in not seeing my mother.  It’s been 3 years now.  Right at this moment, I’m in a different place and stage of my recovery.  I will never speak to or see my stepfather again, this I know, but there may be hope for me speaking to my mother.  Short baby steps on that one.  On my terms only.   To be continued……..


Does anyone understand? Even those closest to you.

Since I endured the childhood sexual abuse, I have many quirks.  I don’t trust anyone, I feel constantly watched, I don’t sleep well, memories pop up out of no where, (whether it be the abuse or a bad experience with an ex), I feel the constant need for justice, (whether it be me or my kids), I hate someone making decisions without me or consulting me, I love being alone, I go through bouts of not wanting sex, I love to be in control, yet some people take that away from me, I don’t appreciate weak individuals, I appreciate privacy, I need affection, yet have trouble accepting it.  I am very observant of those around me and can usually spot a poser.  I believe in Christ as my savior, yet I know that there are things that  just happen and there isn’t always and explanation.  There are people I am loyal to, and feel the need to protect them.  I am intolerant of some people and their constant need for attention. I have thoughts of hurting someone, yet, they are only thoughts, and it is just people that hurt me.  Sometimes I feel religious organizations, (church or Christians), claim being changed for self gratification or to hide something, yet I love Christ.  There are times that I don’t care what anyone thinks.  I feel there are certain family members that do not understand me or my pain.  I hate it when someone does not respect me or they break their promises.  I don’t feel good about my personality or my appearance.  I feel unworthy regardless of what it is.  I feel like I am constantly judged, because people do not understand what I’ve been  through.  I feel robbed of my innocence and childhood.  There are times that I would love to shut off my phone and ignore the world, or that someone would want to do something for me.  I live with constant reminder that if my mother loved me enough, she would have turned my stepfather in.  I feel that I am never taken seriously, and that people think I’m crazy because I am mentally ill, because of the abuse. I feel people are waiting for me to screw up or fail.  I have thoughts of the abuse daily, yet cannot talk about it with anyone, because I feel they are tired of hearing it.  I wish my mother would leave my stepfather, and be the parent that I deserved to have.  I will be in counseling and on medication for the rest of my life.  There are so many other quirks that I can’t think of or cannot put into words right now. 

People just do not understand the effects of sexual abuse and those that are family, that have someone that this has happened to, they should do research and do everything possible to understand their loved one that has been abused.

Do you have any of these quirks?  If so, chime in.

So digusted

I sit here after watching a YouTube video, on the coverage of a child named Lexi that was failed by Child services to protect her from her father.  What is wrong with our world?  How can you listen to a child disclose such atrocities, and not remove her from the situation.  That’s our system, they seem to be for the perpetrator, always.  We as victims have no rights as the perpetrators, walk the streets to violate again and again.  I implore you to read my book, Forgiveness Not Permission.  It is not just stranger danger, it’s fathers, mothers, uncles, aunts, teachers, etc……  Don’t turn a blind eye, it could happen to a child you love.  Watch this video, and let the tears and frustration begin.


I noticed yesterday that I almost reverted back to the old days of punishing myself for my past and focusing on the negative.  I had two negative things happen, a couple of bad reviews and a family member telling me they didn’t want to talk about my book.  It set my mood for the whole day.  That was my fault for letting the attitudes of others take over my thoughts.  We, even though sometimes we feel unworthy have to remember we are new and different if saved by grace, and we should let God control our thoughts, not other people that would love to bring us down in the hopes of punishing us.  They punish us, so we feel like we have to punish ourselves.  No, we have to stop that cycle of negativity. Don’t accept, and hopefully I can take my own advice, move on, even if they can’t.