My husband had a small vacation and we went on a minor trip to TN. It was a lot of fun, when we pulled into the driveway, I received a call from my son in law, my daughter was not doing well and could I come and pick up my granddaughter. NO PROBLEM THERE AT ALL. I was so worried about my daughter though, I wanted to cry. Why does she have to go through so many health issues? It’s not fair, we have had so much heartache in such a small amount of time, it’s time for all of us to be happy. Please God, why are you testing us so much? Lord, just give it to me, let me take on this health issue for her. I would rather go through the pain than see my kids go through it. I question why, I get angry at God. Why? Because sometimes I feel like we are lab rats. God just stop this, let some child molester have these issues. Mean or not, I think they deserve to suffer, not me and my family. Judge me, and my thoughts I don’t care any more. I am a mother, I am a protector, I am a mama bear, I will protect, serve and love my husband and children until the day I die. If you don’t understand that, then don’t let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya!!!!
As I said in my last blog, there would be more to come, today I’m ready to tell you a little more of my getting past my sexual abuse. Mother’s day is Sunday, and it seems God has been saying it’s time to make a little step forward, towards my mother. I haven’t spoken to her in two to three years, because she is married to the man that molested me. I have taken my time to gather myself for a long time now, and now, I am ready to communicate with her, and her only, never again with my stepfather though. So, that being said, I sent a text my mother, bible verses every now and then, and I bought her a mother’s day card, (she did give birth to me).
I knew that today my daughter’s were meeting with her, and they were just down the road. God told me, it seemed almost a real tug, to not waste my stamp, go give her the card and a hug, even if that’s all it was. I don’t want something to happen to her or me, and me wish for the rest of my days, that I had at least spoken to her. And so I mark this day, the 8th of May, 2 days before Mother’s Day, a day of a major break through.
Now this isn’t a step for everyone, but right now at the age of 47, it is what God wants for my life. God is a must in my life. He knows what’s best, so I will try to do my best and listen to Him. \
She held me tight, and told me she loved me. I believe her, although I think she is fooled and extremely misguided. She is my mom and I do love her.
Yesterday I was able to hold my grand daughter and so was did my husband. My husband said, “This Saturday goes down in the record books as the best Saturday ever.” It made me think, yes, it’s the small little wonders in life that make life worth living. As I held her little fingers and kissed her little head, it made me feel so alive. I cannot dwell on my vast array of mistakes or my molestation any more. I can move on, try to raise awareness, but I am no longer angry about it, not that I quit wishing justice had been served, I just cannot stay in victim mode, because I’m not. I am a survivor that is flourishing. I wish that I had a mother, and I wish my real father were alive, I wish my mom would get help and there could be a new beginning, but there may never be that chance, so I don’t dwell in the what could be’s. I look at the good things in life, although simple, they make me smile on the inside and out.
My friend there is hope, you don’t have to be the constant victim, you do not have to dwell in what has happened to you. Get the help you need, you must for recovery, you won’t ever forget, this I know. You can live a full life though. Anger, hatred, and being vindictive will only hurt you. Do what you must to move on, you can be even better than what you were before, because, you survived and you are strong.
My friend Jori Nunes wrote a book called Chocolate Flowers, that is fiction based on true life experiences, about the sexual abuse she endured as a child at the hands of her own biological mother to whom had serious mental illness. I was disappointed in the Dr. Phil show yesterday, as my friend, Jori was on it, trying to raise awareness on the subject of sexual abuse. Instead she was attacked by her own brother, that wasn’t even alive for most of the actual sexual abuse, he wasn’t even born yet. She was called a liar, and the show didn’t even cover the effects of childhood sexual abuse, which is what Jori wanted along with help for her and her siblings. Well, I wish that Dr. Phil’s producers had been more interested in raising awareness on childhood sexual abuse instead of ratings. Please Dr. Phil have another show, (if Jori would even appear on it now), and rectify this situation. I love you Jori and those of us who have the pleasure of knowing you, are honored to know you.
As you go through life, especially living in a small town, it’s a given that you will eventually come face to face with your past. Good or bad, your fault or the fault of someone else.
Sunday, at church, I came face to face with the people that helped throw me and my two girls, 11 years ago, out on the street. We had no where to live except my mother’s house, AKA, (stepfather/molester’s) house.
I was given a kind courtesy call first though, so I was prepared. The two people, my ex-mother and ex-father in law from my second marriage. They are the type of people that think they are above reproach and can intimidate anyone, if it serves their purpose. The can’t intimidate me. I hope, honestly, that they have changed. I hope they are able to see how wrong they were, 11 years ago, and maybe even apologize. So far, I see no remorse in either of them. As for me, I will be the bigger person, I refuse to sink to their level or mirror their behavior. It also doesn’t mean I have to chit chat, or have a conversation with them though. Forgiveness Not Permission!!!!! So J & J, I hope God convicts you of the way you treated two innocent little girls and the wife of your son in 2004!
I heard something on a TV series today, What If. You can spend your life asking that question. What if I had a different mother, what if I had never been sexually abused, what if I hadn’t made such bad choices….. Does that help you move forward? No! It keeps you stuck in the past and in a fantasy world. Life is life, bad things happen, the survivors thrive. I am a survivor, and the bad things, like it or not have made me what I am. What am I? A wise, well rounded, survivor. Tough, straight forward and to the point. I tell you what I think, and that’s the way it is. I am transparent and honest. Don’t do it. Don’t play the What If game!
My perspective has changed so much as I get older and now as of 2/2/2015, I became a Grandmother, (Mi Mi). I have made it through all of the crap to see the positive. I am alive, I am a mother, a stepmother, and now, a Mi Mi. I am blessed. So no more what if’s, it is the now!! Now I am wise, now I am a survivor, NOW I AM HAPPY!!!!!
As a mother of two daughters, one 26 and one 20, a stepmother to 5, I ponder this question. What is a mother? Well, let’s explore the text book view of motherhood:
A woman who gives birth to a child.
A woman whose egg unites with a sperm, producing an embryo.
A woman who adopts a child.
A woman who raises a child.
A female parent of an animal.
A female ancestor.
A woman who holds a position of authority or responsibility similar to that of a mother.
a den mother.
A mother superior.
Used as a form of address for such a woman.
A woman who creates, originates, or founds something.
A creative source; an origin.
Philosophy is the mother of the sciences.
Used as a title for a woman respected for her wisdom and age.
Maternal love and tenderness.
brought out the mother in her
As you can see, the text book definition shows us that anything or anyone can carry the title “mother,” but what we need to figure out, is, what is a mom’s role. In my opinion, she is a major player in the developmental aspect of a child. Whose is the first face that a child sees when he or she is brought into this world? She even knows this child before everyone else around her can see evidence that there is a human being about to make their presence known to the world. To me, she is such an important person in a child’s life. I ponder this today, because of two things. My daughter is pregnant with my first grand child, and, geesh it has been a hard road for her. Yet, she struggles and hangs in there, knowing that this little baby is depending on her. The second thing is that, my mother gave birth to me, I thought she loved me, because, well, she did give birth to me. That isn’t the only role of a mom though. After that child enters the world out of the mother’s womb, it is on her to protect and nurture that child. Yes, the father, in some or most cases should play a part in this. Let’s not ignore the fact though, that mom knew this child first. In my case, my mom gave birth to me, met my physical needs, clothed me, bathed me and in some ways taught me some things. She did teach me manners, I did know who God was, but she did not complete her motherly task. She married a molester, to her demise, she taught me not to keep secrets and that I could tell her anything. So I did, I told her my stepfather molested me. She believed me, he admitted it, my mom, did nothing. She dropped her responsibility of protecting me. As Bill Murray said, “What a slap in the face!” A mother’s role does not end when it becomes inconvenient to the mother, because it might mess up her plans to be comfortable and well maintained. Yet, it did for my mother. She chose her comfortable life style over protecting me, her child. A mother’s role isn’t just a pregnancy, it doesn’t end there. In fact, there are mothers that have never given birth, yet they are more of a mother than my biological mother. Mother is sacred, in my case, I haven’t been perfect, no mothers are, yet after seeing my daughter in pain, I know that I would rather be in pain myself than see her in pain. I would gladly trade spaces with her. Mother, not a word or role to be taken lightly. And now, I have a new role that I am about to embark on. Nona, Italian for Grandma. I will not take it lightly. I will protect this child to the best of my ability and I will respect my daughter’s wishes because, she, is the MOTHER.
- Remember, mom, you are responsible for protecting that child, if you don’t feel you can handle the role, don’t get pregnant. Harsh, but so true! Save the pregnancy and motherhood for the people that plan on protecting and caring for that child. Do you job, it’s a job you can’t resign from or retire from. Once a mother always a mother.