When I say I live my past, I don’t mean, “I live IN my past,” I mean, I LIVE MY PAST!  

It happened within the last two weeks.  An argument, upset feelings, argument gets bigger.  Before you know it, your perception is off and you have tunnel vision.  Something was said, or done, that took me straight back to a past relationship, a bad past relationship.  Not only were things we were saying and doing like my past, but I was reliving my past.  My guard came up, I put on my boxing gloves and went to war. When that happened, things that were said to me, were ten times worse than they should have been, because I just knew that I was right back in 2004, when my world was falling apart, therefore, in the present, my world was falling apart. 

Why do we do that to ourselves and others around us?  If they have lived that past with us, well, we just take them with us.  Then when you try to go back and explain everything when things have calmed down, you look like you’re making light of what happened.  I am much better than I was even a couple of years ago, but there are times I take a few steps backwards and then I have to try to keep myself from beating myself up for making a mistake.


I can thrive in life, excel, be so happy, if I will stop the cycle of living things over and over again.  I do it to myself.  I also think that I can handle life on my own, with no one or nothing to rely on.  I can’t.  I have to, for myself, lean on my Father.  My Father, never lets me down.  When I start listening and talking to Him, my life falls into place.  When I don’t, everything goes to Hell!  Believe what you want, live a miserable life blaming others and running in circles.  Not me.  I won’t do it any more.  I like to love, laugh, hug and joke.  I can’t do that if I’m miserable and always looking for the next shoe to drop.  If you are looking for it, it will happen, that shoe will drop straight on top of your head.


Take a deep breath in the middle of bad situations, and reevaluate what’s really going on.  And for goodness sake, keep others out of it until you absolutely know for sure that your life is going down that drain.  


Death without the Dead part

It is so hard having a family member, especially your mother, that you’ve had to say goodbye to, yet she is still alive.  The possibility of running into her in the supermarket or passing her on the highway.  Holidays are also very difficult.  Although you part ways, you hope that things can still be cordial even though it’s awkward.  My mother, she has decided to just be nasty.  A very close family member called me, so distraught, because she was sitting beside my mother at a stop light, not knowing what to do, she waved and smiled at my mom.  My mother smirked at her and proceeded to speed off.  I will say, this person she smirked at was one of her grandchildren.  How could a grandmother, even through the circumstances, snub her own grandchild?  Hateful.  Selfish and narcissistic!  What’s the definition of narcissistic or narcissistic abuse?    


Narcissistic abuse

Main article: Narcissistic abuse

Narcissistic abuse is a term that emerged in the late twentieth century, and became more prominent in the early 21st century because of the works of Alice Miller and other Neo-Freudians, rejecting psychoanalysis as being similar to the poisonous pedagogies.[38] Miller used “narcassistic abuse” to refer to a specific form of emotional abuse of children by what she considered narcissistic parents – parents who require the child to give up their own wants and feelings in order to serve the parent’s needs for esteem, which constitutes narcissistic abuse.[39] The term has also come to be used more widely to refer to forms of abuse in adult relationships on the part of the narcissist.

Self-help culture currently assumes that someone abused by narcissistic parenting as a child likely struggles with codependency issues in adulthood. An adult who is or has been in a relationship with a narcissist likely struggles with not knowing what constitutes a “normal” relationship.

Now how wonderful is that parenting along with allowing your child to stay around a pedophile?  It’s crazy.  So selfish and self serving.  It’s hard not to be angry with her, it’s hard to know she hurt your child also.  One day, she will be a lonely old lady in a nursing home, because of her own choices.  Mom, if you read this, you’re a very selfish, sad, *****!!!!!   You hurt me, and my kids, it’s on you now.  My child took the high road and still smiled at you, and you, you decided to hurt her yet again.  Tell us you’re a child of God, we will spit in your face, you fool yourself and mock God’s name.  You have proved to us, what we knew already.  Congratulations dear, you’re officially alone, and you will never see your great grandchild, ever!

Justice is what we all need, you to be locked up for failing to report sexual abuse and your husband for his crime, (to which I bet he hasn’t stopped), I bet his computer is fool of child victims.  You’re sick and so is he.  I will continue to find justice for us and anyone victimized by you or him.  Have a great life, (NOT),!!!!!!

I wish I knew

I wish I knew

I want a peaceful life, each day since Christmas I grow increasingly more depressed. I am functioning but I am doing it out of muscle memory. I’m in a fog. I don’t like my mother, but I miss her. I miss having “A” mother. Someone older than me to talk to. Someone to get advice from. Someone that understands me, and how I feel. I wanted my book to be that for someone. If you read my book, if you feel alone. Contact me menaburt07@gmail.com, make sure to tell me that you read my blog. I know though that with my Lord and Savior I will get over this hump too. And so can you.