Since my last post my daughters and I met with my mother. We had a very long talk with her giving her the choice to leave my molester in hopes of keeping all of the children safe that will be in our family and letting her know that her husband/Molester would never change and never had. As we know he had made a pass at me two years earlier. My daughter also revealed some things to her that she knew yet didn’t seem do you think they were pertinent. Things that were so obvious to us yet she chose to deny. The long story short is that she had to think about it, in other words we had told her it was him or us. After “thinking about it” she contacted me by texting me a day later telling me that love could not be bullied and that she had to stay with him and that she had felt we had always made our choice. My response was, that since she must not have texted my daughters that I would forward her decision and let them know that she had chosen him over us. I told her in the text that we had not made our decision until she had made hers. In conclusion we can see that is so hard for someone to realize that they are living with a total monster and are willing to lose the people that truly love them for money.IMG_0098.JPG

We gave her the chance


Heavy Heart

When you go through so many difficulties, you hope any shred of positivity possible, for me, it’s in my kids.  Their prosperity is highly important and their happiness is imperative to you.  I see my children go through things that aren’t sexual abuse, they are grown and married, but I still can’t wait to hear energy and happiness in their voices, is something I hang on to.  When you get a call, and you hear the pain in their voices, you have the tendency to ask God, why? We’ve had enough trauma and heartache.  Help!  Lord today, help me hear the excitement in my child’s voice, help them get through this feeling of helplessness.  Help me be positive and strong, give me the faith I need to have an assurance in You.  God you are the only Daddy I’ve ever known, hold me and my children.

Time to go again

Every month I go to Counseling.  At first I dread going, because I just don’t want to leave my house, then once i get there, the words pour out and before I know it, it’s time to go.  It’s then that I realize, I still have a ways to go.  Of course I know that I will forever have issues from the sexual abuse, that’s just a given.  I still have quirks, there are things that I can tell her, that I can’t tell anyone at all.  I mean no one.  So if you know me and you read this, don’t even ask, I won’t tell you.  I have been with my counselor, (The Same One), for over 10 years.  Even though it’s a professional relationship, she is like my family because I can trust her.  I don’t care what anyone says, if they have endured sexual abuse, or any abuse at all, they need counseling!  They owe it to themselves.  Even as I type this, I get nervous about going.  I don’t know why, I’m ok once I leave this house, but before, I have to breathe deep and try to calm down. That is second to a relationship with the one and only true God.  Please get the help you need, and if you have my email, get a hold of me.  And of course read my book Forgiveness Not Permission by Beth Kozine, available on Amazon.

Why choose to ignore

Why do people choose to ignore atrocities?  They know they have abuse going on in their own home, or family, yet they turn a blind eye.  No matter the traumatic effects it has on the victim or victims.  Sometimes they even use the excuse, “God commands us to forgive.”  Yes, Forgive, but it does not mean give someone permission to hurt you, or those you are supposed to protect, it does not mean to keep someone in harms way or continue to allow yourself or someone else to be in the position to be abused again. I personally rebuke those that continue to ignore the cries of the abused.  IF you as a family member, teacher, pastor, etc… are covering up an abuse, you my friend are as guilty as the abuser.


I think of days gone by, the days that I though were normal, Christmases, birthdays, easters, etc….  What is normal?  So much drama in life.  If it’s not my own family it’s other families close to me.  It gets old.  Sometimes I wish I could spread my arms and just fly, I mean lift my body and really fly away.  If not just for a moment.  Money really could change some things for the better, make certain situations change.  Like keep certain hands off of innocent children that have no business in making decisions in their lives, because those people are so very toxic.  All I have at this moment is prayer.  I cannot change what I have no power over.  Only God know all.

More old journal entries

I am still struggling. I am trying to fight.  I don’t want to die really an longer but I do want to have my energy and my normality back. I pray for God to see fit to give my joy for life back to me. What can I do besides pray for it.  That was written in  June 27th of 1995.~~~~~Today is August 5th 2013 and I realize that yes I have God in my life but there may always be that struggle for normality in my life.  A struggle to be wanted, needed. to be protected and loved, that no human being will ever be able to provide.  I am strong, I am a loner.  I am here for me, I and my God are all I can truly count on.