Some days are crying days

I don’t bare my soul or feelings much not on an intimate level.  I hold in a lot, because I feel everyone is tired of my issues.  When I have let my feelings come to surface, there are many times I’ve been told that I’m selfish and been compared to my mother or someone like her.  I’m tired, I have so much still inside me.  I am finally in the stage of my life that suicide isn’t an issue, but sometimes I feel like leaving, escaping for a while, not telling anyone where I am and be another person, somewhere else.  What if? What if I had been someone else, successful, no inner demons, no trauma. Normal, what is normal.  Is there such a thing?   I’m tired, tired of expectations, tired of obligations.  Never in my life have I been free, free to express my feelings without being scorned, never have I just been able to be me.  I don’t even know  who I am.  Someone has always made me who I am.  Sometimes I want to just say, “Leave me the hell alone!”  No, that isn’t supposed to be said, that’s a sin.  Don’t say that.  Don’t do this, don’t do that, don’t don’ don’t don’t.  NO, NO, NO,     I want to say, “STOP,”  STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO AND TELLING ME HOW TO FEEL.  GO AWAY!!!!!!!!  Today, is that day.  No phone, no anyone, but my tears and my journal.  Sometimes you have to give yourself that.