I made a mistake!

My oldest daughter made the decision to start talking to my mother again, if, she could abide by my daughter’s rules and boundaries.  The day she spoke and met with my mother, I got this bright idea, that maybe things could change and I should text her.  Dumb idea.  This is what I said, “Mama I know that you talked to ***** today and I’ve been thinking.  I don’t think you understand that I do love you, I have been in so much pain through the years that I just pretended it wasn’t there, then, when the last incident happened, when I felt violated, It was just the last straw.  If we were to try again, I would want us to try to go to counseling together, with my counselor and work on it from there.  I am praying about this, just be patient and give me time to think.”  She told me to take all of the time I needed, then after that the other texts were contradictory.  The last text she said this, “Just pray, u might not need me,” Wanda

After that text my attitude was, Yep you’re right, if you’re gonna say something like that, then I don’t need you.  Yet again, she was not willing to fight for me.  I don’t want her around my grand daughter, but I have no choice in the matter.  My mother will be in constant competition to out do me.  She was and never will be, mother material, that is something I have face now, that will never change.  Not one person can say that i didn’t try.

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Does anyone understand? Even those closest to you.

Since I endured the childhood sexual abuse, I have many quirks.  I don’t trust anyone, I feel constantly watched, I don’t sleep well, memories pop up out of no where, (whether it be the abuse or a bad experience with an ex), I feel the constant need for justice, (whether it be me or my kids), I hate someone making decisions without me or consulting me, I love being alone, I go through bouts of not wanting sex, I love to be in control, yet some people take that away from me, I don’t appreciate weak individuals, I appreciate privacy, I need affection, yet have trouble accepting it.  I am very observant of those around me and can usually spot a poser.  I believe in Christ as my savior, yet I know that there are things that  just happen and there isn’t always and explanation.  There are people I am loyal to, and feel the need to protect them.  I am intolerant of some people and their constant need for attention. I have thoughts of hurting someone, yet, they are only thoughts, and it is just people that hurt me.  Sometimes I feel religious organizations, (church or Christians), claim being changed for self gratification or to hide something, yet I love Christ.  There are times that I don’t care what anyone thinks.  I feel there are certain family members that do not understand me or my pain.  I hate it when someone does not respect me or they break their promises.  I don’t feel good about my personality or my appearance.  I feel unworthy regardless of what it is.  I feel like I am constantly judged, because people do not understand what I’ve been  through.  I feel robbed of my innocence and childhood.  There are times that I would love to shut off my phone and ignore the world, or that someone would want to do something for me.  I live with constant reminder that if my mother loved me enough, she would have turned my stepfather in.  I feel that I am never taken seriously, and that people think I’m crazy because I am mentally ill, because of the abuse. I feel people are waiting for me to screw up or fail.  I have thoughts of the abuse daily, yet cannot talk about it with anyone, because I feel they are tired of hearing it.  I wish my mother would leave my stepfather, and be the parent that I deserved to have.  I will be in counseling and on medication for the rest of my life.  There are so many other quirks that I can’t think of or cannot put into words right now. 

People just do not understand the effects of sexual abuse and those that are family, that have someone that this has happened to, they should do research and do everything possible to understand their loved one that has been abused.

Do you have any of these quirks?  If so, chime in.

So different

I was telling my husband the other day, how much my personality has changed since I’ve gotten older, healed after the abuse, and broke ties with my mother.  I’m so much more patient, and enjoy the simple things.  Today, I got to baby sit my grand daughter, I fed her and we cuddled, (I fell asleep), LOL.  Dealing with your issues whether it be sexual abuse, domestic abuse, mental abuse etc…makes your life so much more enjoyable.  I was tired of fighting the demons so, I kicked them to the curb. Life is fun, even if I just stay home and blog, clean house, or spend time with my family.  If you don’t deal with the underlying issue, there is NO WAY to be happy.  Deal with it, don’t run from it.  Face it head on, there are reasons you’re unhappy, figure out why.  I am not afraid to grow old it means I survived.  God allowed me to live through all of the crap.  Cling to him if you know him, if you don’t maybe should get to know him.  He is pretty amazing, he made my granddaughter, and she seems perfect.  Look for the good don’t dwell on the bad.  That’s an order!!!!  🙂