I will always need goals

I think about all I’ve been through, but also all of my blessings.  10 years ago, I would have never been able to do what I did today.  I was able to run 30 mi. on the treadmill.  I have goals now, and I usually accomplish them.  Healing, prayer, family, it gets me through the day, every day.  Christmas and a few days after, it was absolutely awesome.  No stress, just wonderful, sweet bliss with family.  The new year, I just know, will be a wonderful one.  Waiting on my grand baby Isla, she will be here soon.  Always look for the positive things in life, negativity will kill your spirit and make you sick.  Happy Holidays everyone!!!

2014 Christmas

My Christmas was stress free and just wonderful.  No complaints whatsoever, although, I did think of my mom a lot.  She was always so festive.  Decorations everywhere and Christmas music playing.  Although, I do not have her in my life, I seem to find myself mimicking the traditions she started when I was little.  Those are the good memories, the memories that I hold on to.  I will take those memories and file them in the Christmas memory file.  I see changes, good changes in the children around me, my husbands kids, are children that I hold dear to my heart, and my own children, I can’t describe the love I have in my heart.  Next year, at this time, I will have my grand baby Isla.  It is exciting times, and there is much to look forward to.  Something that years ago, I would have never been able to see.

Joy in the mist of sorrow

Although I no longer see my mother on Christmas, or any other day for that matter, I have joy in the ones that I do get to spend time with.  My husband, two daughters, and his five children.  Yesterday, I heard the heartbeat of my grand baby, Isla, due February 10th.  What joy that brought to me!  To see my oldest daughter’s beautiful pregnant belly, knowing, that the baby she carries also has my DNA.  A little piece of me that will carry on, raised in an environment free of dysfunction.  Free of knowing my mother.  She has a chance, for a normal life.  The wonder of what she will look like, if she will call me Nona, like I would want her to.  Will she love me?  Oh how I already love this child.  You see, my youngest and my oldest daughters, lost a child before Isla, and I know someday, I will get to see them.  How can I be negative or have sorrow, with the knowledge that my grandchild is coming soon.  And who knows, my youngest might have one before I know it.  A new start.  It gives all of us, a new start.  Not that her life will be perfect, but she has more of a chance, to be mentally stable than I did.  All I can say is, thank you Lord for second chances, and the wonders in life that keep us going.

WHAT IF?

What would happen if?:   My mom had told the authorities, I had told someone else, I had married someone different at 18, I had let go of my mom sooner, I had went to college, I had more friends.  So many more what if’s.  I always feel lonely, no matter how many are around or where I’m at.  An empty, spot that is there no matter what, even though I know God.  Sometimes I want to disappear.  I can’t, I know that.  I feel so, blah.  Christmas, I had always spent with my mother.  Her choices have caused me pain and loneliness.  I just want to sleep.  I struggle and try to continue life as usual, but it will never be normal.  I scream, ” HELP ME,” inside.  No one can hear that, nor, do I want them to.  They shouldn’t feel pain like I do.  Help me.

Death without the Dead part

It is so hard having a family member, especially your mother, that you’ve had to say goodbye to, yet she is still alive.  The possibility of running into her in the supermarket or passing her on the highway.  Holidays are also very difficult.  Although you part ways, you hope that things can still be cordial even though it’s awkward.  My mother, she has decided to just be nasty.  A very close family member called me, so distraught, because she was sitting beside my mother at a stop light, not knowing what to do, she waved and smiled at my mom.  My mother smirked at her and proceeded to speed off.  I will say, this person she smirked at was one of her grandchildren.  How could a grandmother, even through the circumstances, snub her own grandchild?  Hateful.  Selfish and narcissistic!  What’s the definition of narcissistic or narcissistic abuse?    

 

Narcissistic abuse

Main article: Narcissistic abuse

Narcissistic abuse is a term that emerged in the late twentieth century, and became more prominent in the early 21st century because of the works of Alice Miller and other Neo-Freudians, rejecting psychoanalysis as being similar to the poisonous pedagogies.^[38] Miller used “narcassistic abuse” to refer to a specific form of emotional abuse of children by what she considered narcissistic parents – parents who require the child to give up their own wants and feelings in order to serve the parent’s needs for esteem, which constitutes narcissistic abuse.^[39] The term has also come to be used more widely to refer to forms of abuse in adult relationships on the part of the narcissist.

Self-help culture currently assumes that someone abused by narcissistic parenting as a child likely struggles with codependency issues in adulthood. An adult who is or has been in a relationship with a narcissist likely struggles with not knowing what constitutes a “normal” relationship.

Now how wonderful is that parenting along with allowing your child to stay around a pedophile?  It’s crazy.  So selfish and self serving.  It’s hard not to be angry with her, it’s hard to know she hurt your child also.  One day, she will be a lonely old lady in a nursing home, because of her own choices.  Mom, if you read this, you’re a very selfish, sad, *****!!!!!   You hurt me, and my kids, it’s on you now.  My child took the high road and still smiled at you, and you, you decided to hurt her yet again.  Tell us you’re a child of God, we will spit in your face, you fool yourself and mock God’s name.  You have proved to us, what we knew already.  Congratulations dear, you’re officially alone, and you will never see your great grandchild, ever!

Justice is what we all need, you to be locked up for failing to report sexual abuse and your husband for his crime, (to which I bet he hasn’t stopped), I bet his computer is fool of child victims.  You’re sick and so is he.  I will continue to find justice for us and anyone victimized by you or him.  Have a great life, (NOT),!!!!!!